The 'ex' files.

I know most people would agree with me that opening up the 'ex' files is a sickening, yet important and almost obsessive step, when meeting a new partner. Men say they don't care, but I know, most do. Perhaps not to the psychotic extent that we girls do, but whether we like it or not, the 'ex' files exists and are analysed.

Thinking about it, it should not matter how many partners they've been with? How long ago was their last relationship? How long did it last for? Lastly, the most important (and painful) question- are they still in contact with them? Which only leads on to more questions...

Yes, I am aware that I am giving you the impression that I am a bunny boiler/Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction' [original bunny boiler], but I just have to know these things. These are standard questions that need to be answered at some point as they give an indication of what that person is like and where our future could possibly go...

These are definitely NOT first date questions but if you haven't opened up the ex files on the 4^th date at least or just in 'casual' conversation; you are crazy my friend. Either you don't give a shit and just want a bang, or you are so confident and blasé that... oh wow are you human? Because if you are the latter, I cannot justify that reasoning, as my brain cannot comprehend it.

If someone does want a serious future with you and hasn't discussed your skeletons in the closet yet, then they either know about it already, do not want to know about it as they know you're a schlut but want to see you as pure and wholesome, they merely do not want to have this conversation with you as it means they need to discuss their love life, or you were a nun before and your last relationship was with God. No one can be that confident and laid-back that they are not at least a little intrigued about your past and the ghost of the ex still haunting you. If they want to be with you, get to know and love you they will want to know everything about you.

Sorry, but I have not met one guy who hasn't asked about my past. They may not have gone all Glenn Close on me with the incessant interrogation (they leave that to me) but nevertheless the ex files have been touched. So, if you're a male and reading this and disagree with what I'm saying; you are a new breed I have not had contact with-yet.

One guy still meets up with his ex regularly and are just “friends” (apparently I was born yesterday- happy birthday to me).

Another completely cut his out. Ignored her, deleted her off of any social network (this is what our world has come to) and was angry each time she got into contact. But the more I delved into it *Glenn Close alert*, I realised it was because he still loved her and couldn't be friends with her, so he thought cutting her out would mean she didn't exist, which of course isn't the best way to behave. We all know how that ended. She came back out of the wood work and all those 'hidden' feelings came gushing out and my sources tell me they live happily ever after and actually have a joint account (my guess is she needs it more than he does seen as she is jobless- but that's another matter entirely).

This guy I've been speaking to, told me he's been single for the past three years, as he has had one serious relationship in his life. I 'casually' asked him how long he was with her for... He replied six years. I died. That's pretty much a marriage (wouldn't be surprised if there were kids on the scene). How do I compete with that? He went on to say it's complicated (mate, what relationship isn't?) and they still speak *Glenn Close alert*.

So here I am, wondering which is worse? Cutting the ex out completely or remaining friends with them?

I have a problem with ex girlfriends, especially the ones that lurk, but I have never taken into consideration (until now anyway) that my ex's potential new candidates hate me; the ex girlfriend... (and so they should.) But I also know that ex girlfriends hate the new candidates. It's a very strange cycle that exists.

If they've never had a relationship; we judge them, if they jump from relationship to relationship, we judge them. We ask; what does it mean? How did they break up? Who broke up with whom? If they are still in contact with them: are they fucking too? The ex files can easily evolve into the sex files which means there is always a possibility of them getting back together. After all of this, we then judge them accordingly. Exhausting right? Explains why I'm always so tired...

We need to know these answers to feel secure and know where we stand, but in reality if he wants to be with you and be committed to you, those ex-girlfriend[s] do not matter. You both have pasts, just remember they broke up for a reason and it's in the past. You are the present and could possibly be his future...

Until that day when you eventually become the latest document in his 'ex' files.

Mis-cheated.

There was once a strange phase in my life (more than usual) a few years back and I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it either. It seemed guys who were only in relationships approached me. At one particular point, it was five guys all at at once and it was truly mind boggling. They'd openly talk about their girlfriends; how they intended on marrying them, gifts they'd purchased (one wanted me to go shopping with him to choose a birthday gift in fact) and asked me for relationship advice. I, naturally believed, they saw me as a friend and added them to the 'friends' list. Yet, in the next breath they'd act inappropriately with their advances and to say I was confused; would be an understatement.

I have learnt: if they're in a relationship, you have to always remember it is not with you and you are the other one and they will never ever ever never leave their partner for you. Whether it is in a long-term relationship, marriage or normal relationship. Do not think you are special. Do not make excuses. If they do happen to leave them for you, it is very very very very rare but do you really want to be with them even though you know they're a cheater? Also, why would they leave you when they have already got what they wanted from you and have the history and love with their current partner? You are not special. You are not Angelina Jolie.

You are not the one they see themselves with forever. They do not want to bring you back to their parents. They are ashamed to be in public with you and to introduce you to their friends. I am not saying you are deformed, ugly, fat and boring, you are just not their girlfriend. You have to remember in a long-term relationship there is history and family involved as well, you have nothing to offer them once you have given them sex.

Years later, I soon started to experience my own serious relationships and learnt from my close friends' long-term relationships. I started to feel sickened and guilty about my past actions. I suppose I can say I learnt my lesson and I was young blah blah and I know never to go there again.

The main thing is the disrespect and deceit rather than the adultery itself. I detest liars and those boys would claim to love their girlfriends but how you can love someone and constantly cheat on them? I genuinely do not understand. I know guys who have answers ready and yes I'll admit there is a difference between sex in a relationship and just sex, but if you love someone, why are you looking at others like that? When I'm in a relationship, I flirt and can admit when a guy is hot (I'm committed not blind) but I would not give out my number or think of kissing them, let alone more. When I'm committed to some someone, I am 100% (perhaps why it takes me long to get into relationships to begin with) and I expect them to be the same. I think trust and honesty are the key elements, otherwise there is no respect, but you have to earn trust as in this day and age it is so difficult. Excuses I have heard for cheating were, I may as well have my fun now seen as I'm going to marry her and won't have my chance otherwise, she doesn't give me enough sex, I no longer am in love with them but do love them, I can't break up with them as they have issues and may kill themselves, I fancied you before I got with her (to name but a few)...

I've said to every partner I want trust, if you like someone else or can't commit; tell me. Never cheat (obviously) but if you do, tell me straight away, as the deceit after the act would just piss me off. I'll admit, I have gone psycho in the past, but that is only because I have been the other woman and am close friends with guys, so know what they are capable of.

To the girlfriends, I am sorry, I realise that now. Though technically, I owed you nothing as I didn't know you, I know now I'm in the wrong. Most of those guys have split up with their girlfriends now by the way and have actually tried to date me afterwards. I can't help but laugh (whilst ignore) and do hope the girls have done better.

One thing I can happily say is, I never fell for any of these guys, as I knew I was just messing around with them and they were not trustworthy to fall for (strange how I can differentiate this feeling and do this). This may be the reason why they keep coming back. I don't know. 

But one way to avoid falling for them is, if someone promises you they will leave their partner for you; do not bother holding your breath (you could die). Do what you have to do, I am not one to judge, but for those being the cheatee, don't be deluded as well as stupid, just have fun if you must. Quit whilst you're ahead before you begin to fall for them or just know from the beginning what you're in for and don't ever be fooled. Alternatively, if they try and 'woo' you to confuse you, just sit on their face- that normally shuts them up.

The Art of Compromise.

Last Friday an older couple dressed quite classy and ready for evening drinks or the theatre (blatant stereotyping here) were seated opposite me on the tube. They were a married couple and the female was rattling on about something frivolous and the male was kindly listening...

Friday night that it was, a young twenty-something girl sat directly opposite the married man (next to me) and wore an 'out there' outfit shall we say? Personally, I thought she was very stylish, but legs all out and only covered by a modest pair of thin tights covered in bow patterns, made her the centre of attention.

A few people stared (myself included) but then went about our business. The married man on the other hand throughout my ten minute journey could not take his eyes off of her. I remained quite appalled at the obvious perversion/adultery in sordid thoughts happening right before my eyes and under his wife's nose (and incessant talking). She noticed a few times (who didn't?) but chose to ignore his leering. To be fair; what else could the poor woman do?

He still listened to her tale and laughed politely and commented in the appropriate places which seemed to please her but his eyes were glued to this girl's pins. Fifty-something and still has a wondering eye despite his marriage and possible kids. I'm sure theirs is not a perfect marriage but this was shocking.

I came to two conclusions: 1) men, no matter what age will always remain perverted and well men. 2) perhaps theirs is a successful marriage as they manage to compromise? She is able to gossip whilst he can have a wondering eye. Two annoying (and sexist I'll admit) habits, innately built in our gender's DNA and if either sex moan about it- arguments and possibly break-ups will be caused, so for it to work just keep quiet? She rattles on about unimportant things and he responds appropriately whilst he is a pervert and she 'ignores' and remains oblivious to it.

I cannot stop gossiping but I do not want my man to have a wondering eye (double standards?) I need to perhaps master the art of compromise or just remain single forever. I can't decide which is more sad? At least when I'm a spinster, my cats won't have sordid thoughts whilst perverting, though they will sneak away to the neighbour's garden often.
I need to re-think this...

Do not kiss but I will tell...

What's the worst date I've been on? Oh gosh. I have to confess I am a girl who has been on many dates back in my heyday i.e. 2-3 years ago. I actually loved it, dressing up, the nervous (awkward, the word is awkward) butterflies, location- (note: his choosing shows an insight into his character and taste) and finally the will he/won't he...

I can't say I have been on a truly awful date location wise. I have to say they've been rather adventurous. To the typical restaurants, cinema and bars to picnics in the parks, theatre/ballet, more food, museums, art galleries (I think I've covered them all- sorry if I forgot about your location if you are reading this dear Sir, I'm sure I had a splendid time...).

Most have been rather great locations but a worse date is the connection or should I say non-connection with someone. They could be a Brad Pitt lookalike, spend hundreds of pounds, look dapper, come with roses (do men still do this on dates?) but if you do not get along; you're fucked. Well perhaps not literally 'fucked' of course...

Sense of humour is very important in my culture. If he doesn't understand my sarcasm then there is literally no hope in hell. He may as well just pay for the bill and leave me to eat the food on my own to be quite honest, I'm sure I'll have a more enjoyable time.

So back to the question, my worst date? I'd have to say it was with this guy (positive start at least he was a male... For privacy reasons, I won't reveal his name, but let's call him Dave...) so Dave was fairly good looking, smart, older (not married/no kids), understood my sarcastic ways and everything. Perfect right? We had met before and been speaking for almost a year and finally, after all this time due to a long list of boring reasons which I won't bore you with today, we met up. Oh the anticipation! Oh the anti-climax...

Well the date was going well (we went to a trendy bar in Camden and he paid for everything) except two big flaws. His dress sense (lord in Himmel where do I begin?) and secondly and probably most importantly (as we could easily sort out the styling to fit to my taste...)

Secondly, the bigger problem was his taste in music. Not rock (rock I can work with) but heavy metal. HEAVY METAL. As soon as this was mentioned I was violated and completely lost all interest. I had horrid images that he'd drag me to a mosh pit (ballet flats or heels cannot survive in this environment) and we'd shout to Marilyn Manson and God knows what else. Further images, of his friends at a gig wearing more eye liner than me, worshipping this devil music came into mind and I almost cried. I can deal with any other genre except that!

Hell he could have said country music and I would have gladly got a pair of cowboy boots, hat and yeehaa'd my way to some Dolly Parton. He could have said cheesy pop and after initially questioning his sexuality I would have dug out my Top of the Pops/Smash Hits albums and happily grooved my way back into the 90s. But no. Just my luck. Heavy metal. Could you imagine if we had a mosh pit wedding type thing? Oh the horror.

He was a gentleman though, lent me his jacket as it was cold and asked for a kiss (why) and contacted me many times afterwards. I think he got the hint in the end and we never saw each other again (I still have his jacket). However, Facebook tells me he is happily in a relationship (no doubt moshing happily with) a lovely lass, so this pleases me greatly.

Thus far, that was the worst date I've been on but thinking about it, it wasn't all that bad just different interests led me to lose interest. Who knows what the future holds 'bad date' wise...

The best date I've been on? Oh well a lady never kisses and tells..

Beauty and her Beast.

In my old age I am now unable to survive the ordeals of a hangover appropriately (however that should be defined is another matter entirely) but I delve into the opposite way of my old age and act like a child. Needing to be mollycoddled, eating junk and today I decided Disney was the only cure. Beauty and the Beast is not my favourite Disney but it's in the top 5 and I am able to relate to it now more than ever! Listening to the songs the famous 'tale as old as time' and the one where she realises she is falling in love with the beast:

“There's something sweet

And almost kind

But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined

But now he's dear, and so unsure

I wonder why I didn't see it there before”

I actually had an epiphany. I could easily blame the after effects of wine and sambucca which by the way should have a Warning 'when consumed more likely to drunk text' label on it or it could have been a genuine epiphany- who knows?

I realised that some times we do look at someone we never noticed before and see them in a new light. We did not necessarily see them as a 'beast' as such but as perhaps something along those lines. Either a beast in looks, personality or just never considered them in that way. Perhaps the myth men (especially bad boys) cannot change. But perhaps, just maybe, they can? If, the beast can, why can't a human? Are we not capable of change? In my fragile state and not in the right frame of mind (clearly for the need to be mollycoddled) I replied to a text I had received three weeks ago which I had intended never to reply to. I thought in my Disney I.e delusional mind that perhaps this 'beast' was struck by lightning (by a storm which didn't happen by the way), he himself had an epiphany, or the petal of his rose was about to fall (I'll leave the suggested innuendo for your filthy imaginations) and he too, was capable of changing in nature.

“Barely even friends, then somebody bends, unexpectedly”

So, something alone the lines of his shocking “apology” and the words 'nature' (too much thinking of the Beast's nature) and Disney infused optimism; I responded.

My alcoholic infected system failed to remind me the Beast was initially a beast/bad boy hence the reason of the curse in the first place, so probably after he turned back into a human, he returned to his natural beast-like (bad boy) self...

Hours later, cured from my hangover and back to my old cynical self (all signs of Disney fairy dust vanishing with a 'pop'), I realise he will remain a beast forever. Some (most) people are just incapable of change. Myself included.

*Mistake I noticed in the Disney: The candle-stick says the spell has been for ten years and the rose falls on his 21^st birthday which would mean the spell was done when he was eleven which a) can't be as he looks older in the beginning and painting and b) just unfair for an enchantress to do that to a horrid eleven year old even if he did deserve it*

Something kind of wonderful. [30.11.11]

Let us begin with our interpretations and impressions on definitions. By 'wonderful' I do no necessarily mean it in the positive way it normally entails. Can something not be amazing, grand, 'out-of-this-world'; wonderful, whilst being strange, contain negative connotations and something I do not have to completely agree with? Yes, it can, it might not be a universal wonderful experience but for its sheer existence in this universe, this makes it wonderful.

The reason I began with this topic is beause today I wanted to return my overdue library books (I've been taking books out of Hackney, Islington and Hillingdon libraries for over twenty years now and not once have I had a fine) but my local library was closed due to the teacher's strike and was surrounded by policemen. After asking one officer if all the libraries were like this and he replied that it was just this one. I took the bus to another library. This too was closed.

For fear of being late to work, I struggled with my bag, not at all practical for my four books; a huge cooking book, a large print copy of Eat. Pray. Love., Maeve Binchy's writer's book and a travel guide to Florence, (not to mention December's issue of Vogue and other contents of a lady's bag only kept to herself) and continued with my day. My anger increasing as my fine inevitably would.

My frustration only lasts about two seconds as I am in a confused, deja vu like state, whilst outside the Hackney Town Hall, again police and people striking. It reminds me of a few months ago when the empty streets were filled with the silent fears and looters during the rioting. Exactly the same spot but brought by different intentions, beliefs and methods. I am not going to give my opinion on either of these events as that is another story entirely...

But it is amazing to see the differences in people's behavious and reactions to these separate events. When in reality, on some level anyway, they are interconnected with themes such as teachings, money and power. In short it is something kind of wonderful.

Who knows, in years to come, what other demonstrations will take place in the exact same spot of the Hackney Town Hall, but I'm sure even if there are differences in people, our method of action, the underlying thread which strings us all together; will remain. This realisation is wonderful.

However, the weight of my books and increasing fine, is definitely not wonderful: in any sense of the word.