Processing data.

With the beginning of a new job, which is finally a stepping stone into the right direction in my career and future, I notice time is flying by more and more quickly. This year in general has gone by in a heartbeat and sometimes I find myself taking a break to sit, ponder and have a breather. I'm sure all this rushing around, not eating and sleeping properly is not good for my health and will no doubt result to a full head of grey hairs.

As we are approaching the end of 2012, supposedly the end of the world, I have to ask myself if I am proud of what I have accomplished this year? You can think about the past and ignore everyday things, by shutting yourself away, but time is not your friend, nor is it waiting for you to feel better about yourself. At the end of any relationship, well any good relationship, you hear yourself and others feeding you the same bullshit clichés and I hate myself for becoming one of those people but I can't help but believe them. If I had not been single, dedicated job-hunting would no doubt have been a myth. I would probably have lived at my ex's only applying for a job here and there. And let's be honest, job hunting is a job in itself and is a long process, which you have to be motivated to do. I am rather proud of myself that it only took me two months to find a job perfect for me right now. In short, “everything happens for a reason”. Yawn right? But alas true!

So far, the job involves a lot of information to process, it's not exactly easy but it is enjoyable and with time I know it will become second nature. With time, effort and a lot of work, all the data processed will be worth it and I just hope I continue to be happy and good at what I do.

Processing new data from someone you're getting to know is just as long and requires effort and time. It is so difficult to like, trust and eventually let someone new into your life. Firstly, you might find it hard to like anyone in the first place and whether they are available or not is another story in itself. Then the actual process of finding out about one another is time-consuming but also quite wonderful. Eventually, if you find out you have lots in common and there's a spark (chemistry is very important!) you have to wonder, if you can actually trust someone. I can't help but think if it is all worth it in the end? Letting someone get personal into your life and getting used to having them there, sharing special moments, whether it is for a short or a long period of time. If it ends, you've just manually processed pages and pages of data into your life, eventually finding out months later that it was pointless, that you don't need it and you can now press delete and send to the trash. You may know the time and effort you put in but in the long-run it means nothing and no longer exists.

The question is do you just give up and never open a new file or after a while of huffing and puffing, look back and learn from the mistakes so that the new data entered will remain in the saved files forever?

I fear, I think too much...

My problem in life has always been that I think too much. It is both my strength and weakness. Thinking has got me to where I am today, as it is one of the main reasons why I enjoy being a geek and education so much. Believe it or not, I miss studying and have been considering doing a PhD, perhaps, in the next few years. Thinking has made me successful in so many ways and is the reason why I decided to do a Philosophy Masters. It is one of the reasons why family members, friends and even strangers have said I am good at giving advice. I think about everything from every angle and then come to my own conclusions without trying to be bias. I have always been like this, even in arguments, from a young age, which is why a few people have advised me to consider being a lawyer... I don't know about the law but I do know I love to think.

Cliché and stolen from Descartes but I really do think, therefore, I am. Thinking is what I am. It can be slightly annoying as I over-think things. For example, I would be watching a film with my family and question certain things normally resulting with people telling me to shut up, as I am thinking way to deep into the script, but that may be because I am thinking in terms of a writer-who knows?

Recently, my boyfriend asked me a simple question 'what do you fear?', as it was relevant to a conversation on phobias, but me being me, I blew it way out of proportion and got all deep saying what I fear most in life. He seemed perpetually perplexed at the seriousness of my answer and expected me to say something simple like spiders, like any normal girl would have done, but this is me after all.

In regards to my answer, the thing I fear most is losing myself in anything I do and love. Whether it is in a job or in a relationship, I fear the essence of me will be somehow lost in the madness that is life and I would never want that to happen. Yes, I am still growing and learning about myself, but I am pretty confident in who I am and to lose that and be left with nothing, is the scariest thought of all. In short, I fear myself, as there would be no-one else to blame, but me. People may blame their partners or their manic job or a friend or something, when things go wrong, but deep down it is your own fault for not remaining true to yourself and therefore losing yourself. When you do recover from a downfall, it is because you are back and you have found yourself again. Hence, why that feeling is the greatest feeling ever.

Referring back to thinking... Thinking is also one of my main weaknesses'. Over-analysing has made me lose close friendships and relationships in the past as I should have just gone with the flow and in the words of The Beatles 'let it be'. When I do think however, I am 98.9% right, hence why this is so annoying. 

I am trying to learn how to control my thoughts and just be as I do not want thinking to ruin and make me lose things I love and which make me happy. Last night, I was in and out of sleep thinking troubled thoughts, but it got me nowhere and nothing was achieved, except lack of sleep. It is a learning process I guess, but at the same time, it is me and it will be a contradiction to my biggest fear, as I do not want to lose myself and thinking too much is who I am. I think, (there is no escaping this!) that it is just being able to maintain a certain balance, where I am aware of certain things, but perhaps do not do certain things until absolutely necessary. Or to just not think too much about things as it causes pointless stress and just go with it.

Thinking too much can make you go insane and let's be honest, I've never been sane, so this will only go downhill, if I don't stop from now on...