My problem in life has always been that
I think too much. It is both my strength and weakness. Thinking has
got me to where I am today, as it is one of the main reasons why I
enjoy being a geek and education so much. Believe it or not, I miss
studying and have been considering doing a PhD, perhaps, in the next
few years. Thinking has made me successful in so many ways and is
the reason why I decided to do a Philosophy Masters. It is one of the
reasons why family members, friends and even strangers have said I am
good at giving advice. I think about everything from every angle and
then come to my own conclusions without trying to be bias. I have
always been like this, even in arguments, from a young age, which is
why a few people have advised me to consider being a lawyer... I
don't know about the law but I do know I love to think.
Cliché and stolen from Descartes but I
really do think, therefore, I am. Thinking is what I am. It can be
slightly annoying as I over-think things. For example, I would be
watching a film with my family and question certain things normally
resulting with people telling me to shut up, as I am thinking way to
deep into the script, but that may be because I am thinking in terms
of a writer-who knows?
Recently, my boyfriend asked me a
simple question 'what do you fear?', as it was relevant to a
conversation on phobias, but me being me, I blew it way out of
proportion and got all deep saying what I fear most in life. He
seemed perpetually perplexed at the seriousness of my answer and
expected me to say something simple like spiders, like any normal
girl would have done, but this is me after all.
In regards to my answer, the thing I
fear most is losing myself in anything I do and love. Whether it is
in a job or in a relationship, I fear the essence of me will be
somehow lost in the madness that is life and I would never want that to happen. Yes, I am still growing and learning about myself, but I am
pretty confident in who I am and to lose that and be left with
nothing, is the scariest thought of all. In short, I fear myself, as
there would be no-one else to blame, but me. People may blame their
partners or their manic job or a friend or something, when things go
wrong, but deep down it is your own fault for not remaining true to yourself and
therefore losing yourself. When you do recover from a downfall, it is
because you are back and you have found yourself again. Hence, why
that feeling is the greatest feeling ever.
Referring back to thinking... Thinking
is also one of my main weaknesses'.
Over-analysing has made me lose close friendships and relationships
in the past as I should have just gone with the flow and in the words
of The Beatles 'let it be'. When I do think however, I am 98.9%
right, hence why this is so annoying.
I am trying to learn how to control my thoughts and just be as I do not want thinking to ruin
and make me lose things I love and which make me happy. Last night, I
was in and out of sleep thinking troubled thoughts, but it got me
nowhere and nothing was achieved, except lack of sleep. It is a
learning process I guess, but at the same time, it is me and it will
be a contradiction to my biggest fear, as I do not want to lose
myself and thinking too much is who I am. I think, (there is no escaping this!) that it is just being
able to maintain a certain balance, where I am aware of certain
things, but perhaps do not do certain things until absolutely necessary. Or to just not think too much about things as it causes pointless stress and just go with it.
Thinking too much can make you go
insane and let's be honest, I've never been sane, so this will only
go downhill, if I don't stop from now on...
