I fear, I think too much...

My problem in life has always been that I think too much. It is both my strength and weakness. Thinking has got me to where I am today, as it is one of the main reasons why I enjoy being a geek and education so much. Believe it or not, I miss studying and have been considering doing a PhD, perhaps, in the next few years. Thinking has made me successful in so many ways and is the reason why I decided to do a Philosophy Masters. It is one of the reasons why family members, friends and even strangers have said I am good at giving advice. I think about everything from every angle and then come to my own conclusions without trying to be bias. I have always been like this, even in arguments, from a young age, which is why a few people have advised me to consider being a lawyer... I don't know about the law but I do know I love to think.

Cliché and stolen from Descartes but I really do think, therefore, I am. Thinking is what I am. It can be slightly annoying as I over-think things. For example, I would be watching a film with my family and question certain things normally resulting with people telling me to shut up, as I am thinking way to deep into the script, but that may be because I am thinking in terms of a writer-who knows?

Recently, my boyfriend asked me a simple question 'what do you fear?', as it was relevant to a conversation on phobias, but me being me, I blew it way out of proportion and got all deep saying what I fear most in life. He seemed perpetually perplexed at the seriousness of my answer and expected me to say something simple like spiders, like any normal girl would have done, but this is me after all.

In regards to my answer, the thing I fear most is losing myself in anything I do and love. Whether it is in a job or in a relationship, I fear the essence of me will be somehow lost in the madness that is life and I would never want that to happen. Yes, I am still growing and learning about myself, but I am pretty confident in who I am and to lose that and be left with nothing, is the scariest thought of all. In short, I fear myself, as there would be no-one else to blame, but me. People may blame their partners or their manic job or a friend or something, when things go wrong, but deep down it is your own fault for not remaining true to yourself and therefore losing yourself. When you do recover from a downfall, it is because you are back and you have found yourself again. Hence, why that feeling is the greatest feeling ever.

Referring back to thinking... Thinking is also one of my main weaknesses'. Over-analysing has made me lose close friendships and relationships in the past as I should have just gone with the flow and in the words of The Beatles 'let it be'. When I do think however, I am 98.9% right, hence why this is so annoying. 

I am trying to learn how to control my thoughts and just be as I do not want thinking to ruin and make me lose things I love and which make me happy. Last night, I was in and out of sleep thinking troubled thoughts, but it got me nowhere and nothing was achieved, except lack of sleep. It is a learning process I guess, but at the same time, it is me and it will be a contradiction to my biggest fear, as I do not want to lose myself and thinking too much is who I am. I think, (there is no escaping this!) that it is just being able to maintain a certain balance, where I am aware of certain things, but perhaps do not do certain things until absolutely necessary. Or to just not think too much about things as it causes pointless stress and just go with it.

Thinking too much can make you go insane and let's be honest, I've never been sane, so this will only go downhill, if I don't stop from now on...