Soul-mates

I am sat here replying to e-mails, not intending to write a Blog post at all, as I have not been ready to since my break-up (cue violins). I have had so much to say, but didn't want to just rant useless girl garbage, which I would no doubt regret in years to come. However, sometimes the inspiration just pops up from nowhere, like jury duty. Listening to the Fray's 'how to save a life' as it came up on youtube suggestions and I forgot how much I liked this song. “Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend...” lyrics hits home and my stupid brain takes me back to an intense conversation on soul-mates I had with him. Ironically, it was the same night we broke up. I am still trying to figure out where exactly it went wrong, as everyone in my life knew, we were happy and the break-up was so sudden. Though my friends hate him and I have reasons to as well, I can't hate him and don't think I ever will. I am not the type of person to hate my ex's, instead I think of the good times and I wish him well and hope he's happy.

The topic of soul-mates came up, as we both were lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, we spoke about the topic but not in relation to one another. It was as if we were in the two worlds we always said that we were in and just winded up there in a parallel world talking about the philosophical topics of love and time. In reality, we were centimeters apart, though it felt like we really were worlds apart. We both shared a love for each other but we just weren't on the same page and we both came to that realisation at the same time. I really did have that light-bulb switches on moment and though I was in denial for a while, I soon realised that we weren't meant to be together.

Like I had said to him in our conversation, I don't believe in soul mates but there could be someone who is perfect for you. Not because they are the same as you but because they accept your flawsBut wouldn't it be sad if my soul mate lived in another country or in a different life time? What if my Mr. Right is dead already or lived in a different era? He was in silent agreement and I realised that I was speaking in a way, as if I was almost still in search for this fictional Mr. Right, when really if he was 'the one' I would have been saying these words about him directly. Perhaps if we were in a different time or place we would have been soul-mates for each other but in this life-time we just weren't right for each other and I have finally come to accept that; however sad it may be. There were other reasons for our break-up, which I will not delve into, but as I said ironically the topic of 'soul-mates' triggered off many feelings (or un-feelings). I think the biggest loss is losing my friend and everything we once had becoming just a wonderful memory.

Plato wrote that humans originally had four legs and four arms and one head with two faces. Zeus was intimidated by their power and split them in half so humans could spend the rest of their lives to search for their other half to complete them. People say that when they have found their soul-mate they feel complete. But if I don't find my soul-mate does that mean I'm incomplete and half a person?

I still don't know if I believe in the concept of soul-mates and I don't think I will ever know but I do hope that I am lucky enough again to find a mate who touches my soul...

Nobody's perfect.

I want to start off with apologising for being so lame, I have missed updating my Blog and this just goes to show, that I am not perfect, which fits in with today's theme perfectly. Hearing Jessie J's performance of 'nobody's perfect' at Wireless last month really 'touched' me. Gay I know, but it's true. I've always liked that song, but hearing it live and having this Blog post in the back of my mind, just made me realise; it's true. Nobody is bloody perfect, not even me.

With that negative aspect in mind, that nobody is perfect, I think it makes the world perfect in its own way. Now I haven't gone all hippy and Kumbaya My Lord shit on you, but I'm just saying, if everyone was perfect, there would be no challenges, differences and progression in the world. I'm sure when new ideas, inventions and materials were presented to people back in the day (and even now in some cases), people thought they were crazy, especially if experiments went wrong. Learning from our mistakes and with that strive to go on, we (as in the world) have progressed. All these wars, political wrong doings and what not, yea they are stupid and I'm not trying to open up that can of worms, however, everything happens for a reason and we would not be where we are today, if it wasn't for all the crazy shit that has happened in the yesteryears and learning from them. Who would have thought a quill and parchment to a typewriter to my Mac would ever have happened? God knows what they'll be writing on next...

As humans we make wrong choices and decisions, but we learn from our mistakes and it is said that 'whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'. I don't think completely pretending that the wrong-doing never occurred is the best idea; 'Denial isn't just a river in Africa', but accepting it and moving forward is what we must do. This can be a work related decision, if you made a mistake or didn't choose the right path, or during education, maybe you're thousands in debt, in a random course you now have no interest in, perhaps it is in a relationship, whatever it is, everything happens for a reason. I'm trying not to look back and dwell on the past too much, as it is a serious flaw of mine and does not help me with my future, but I am trying to see the positives from the past and learn from them. If I got accepted to my first choice of secondary school, though I would have been delighted at the time, I would never have met my closest friends, who are like my sisters now and for that I am so grateful that things didn't go according to plan...

As some of you may already know, I can be cynical, negative and sarcastic (well I never!) but I am trying to look on the bright side of life, before it affects all those I care about and I become a Grinch of some sort. I'll let you know how that goes but I wouldn't go holding my breath (fail already). It will take time and patience but I'm sure I'll get there in the end (weeey some of that positive energy!) though, on a separate note, whoever said 'patience is a virtue' was a right cunt.

I am not perfect, so why am I looking for perfection?

In friendships and relationships, I have high expectations of people and rarely give them a second chance. Close friends receive second chances as it seems like a waste of years spent building that 'close friends' title. Men never get a second chance with me. I struggle to understand girls who easily forgive men and not their supposed best friends. People might say it's because love is blind etc and therefore I have not been in love, but I do not see that as a viable excuse, I find it so difficult to forget. If he loves you then he should not be doing something to hurt you. I respect myself far too much and immediately protect myself from something like that occurring again, so I don't give them another chance. I am trying to slightly change this harsh attitude before I grow older and more set in my ways. People, men and women, friends, family, partners are not perfect and do make mistakes and do deserve a second chance, to be able to learn and change.

I realise I am not in any way perfect. I think some imperfections make someone perfect in their own special way. I am not a perfect student, daughter, sister, colleague, friend or girlfriend but I try to be, so I ask what gives me the right to want a perfect someone? I may have fantasies on the perfect man (cue Gerard Butler) but I think it comes down to what is perfect for me. Someone less cynical, two cynics cannot possibly make a positive relationship, basic law of Physics that! Believe me I have never been looking for a Mister Perfect (please refer to the males I have gone for in the past). From now on, I am going to put more effort into forgiving and trying to forget, to compromise whilst looking past people's flaws. Giving second chances where deserved and fighting for something I want, who am I to give up so quickly? Surely that's a huge imperfection right there? Trying to be perfect automatically sets up for failure. 

Let's be imperfect together, now that's just perfect!

I fear, I think too much...

My problem in life has always been that I think too much. It is both my strength and weakness. Thinking has got me to where I am today, as it is one of the main reasons why I enjoy being a geek and education so much. Believe it or not, I miss studying and have been considering doing a PhD, perhaps, in the next few years. Thinking has made me successful in so many ways and is the reason why I decided to do a Philosophy Masters. It is one of the reasons why family members, friends and even strangers have said I am good at giving advice. I think about everything from every angle and then come to my own conclusions without trying to be bias. I have always been like this, even in arguments, from a young age, which is why a few people have advised me to consider being a lawyer... I don't know about the law but I do know I love to think.

Cliché and stolen from Descartes but I really do think, therefore, I am. Thinking is what I am. It can be slightly annoying as I over-think things. For example, I would be watching a film with my family and question certain things normally resulting with people telling me to shut up, as I am thinking way to deep into the script, but that may be because I am thinking in terms of a writer-who knows?

Recently, my boyfriend asked me a simple question 'what do you fear?', as it was relevant to a conversation on phobias, but me being me, I blew it way out of proportion and got all deep saying what I fear most in life. He seemed perpetually perplexed at the seriousness of my answer and expected me to say something simple like spiders, like any normal girl would have done, but this is me after all.

In regards to my answer, the thing I fear most is losing myself in anything I do and love. Whether it is in a job or in a relationship, I fear the essence of me will be somehow lost in the madness that is life and I would never want that to happen. Yes, I am still growing and learning about myself, but I am pretty confident in who I am and to lose that and be left with nothing, is the scariest thought of all. In short, I fear myself, as there would be no-one else to blame, but me. People may blame their partners or their manic job or a friend or something, when things go wrong, but deep down it is your own fault for not remaining true to yourself and therefore losing yourself. When you do recover from a downfall, it is because you are back and you have found yourself again. Hence, why that feeling is the greatest feeling ever.

Referring back to thinking... Thinking is also one of my main weaknesses'. Over-analysing has made me lose close friendships and relationships in the past as I should have just gone with the flow and in the words of The Beatles 'let it be'. When I do think however, I am 98.9% right, hence why this is so annoying. 

I am trying to learn how to control my thoughts and just be as I do not want thinking to ruin and make me lose things I love and which make me happy. Last night, I was in and out of sleep thinking troubled thoughts, but it got me nowhere and nothing was achieved, except lack of sleep. It is a learning process I guess, but at the same time, it is me and it will be a contradiction to my biggest fear, as I do not want to lose myself and thinking too much is who I am. I think, (there is no escaping this!) that it is just being able to maintain a certain balance, where I am aware of certain things, but perhaps do not do certain things until absolutely necessary. Or to just not think too much about things as it causes pointless stress and just go with it.

Thinking too much can make you go insane and let's be honest, I've never been sane, so this will only go downhill, if I don't stop from now on...

Vogue's fashion playground.

Vogue like to host events in partnership with The Village in Westifield White City every so often. I've been lucky to attend a few times now and the other night, I found myself there, yet again, with many other happy shoppers, sipping on free champagne and cocktails.

After one-too-many vodka cocktails later, I was busy enjoying the circus themed fashion playground event, which differed from the previous year. Contort and mime artists, magicians, circus performers, fortune tellers and jugglers surrounded and performed for everybody most of the night. There was a circus atmosphere with little touches and wonderful freebies such as the mini-burgers which were absolutely delicious, candy floss, popcorn, ice-cream, carousal horses and balloons.

Each store in The Village participates in the event. You are able to shop (champagne in hand) and some stores even offer great discount offers for the night; Ballantyne, Aquascutum, Furla, Zadig & Voltair, The Kooples, Toywatch (to name but a few) and wonderful prizes.

There was a photobooth in Pal Zileri and a Vogue photoshoot to do with friends to see what you would look like on the cover of Vogue!

The girls and I with Alexandra Burke.

It was a wonderful evening filled with fashion, fun and freebies. What more could a girl as for? It makes that shopping trip much more special and exciting. 

Plus it is always fun to do some celebrity 

spotting. Look out for other Vogue events like these, held at The Village in Westfield, as it is free but exclusive to certain readers.

Hopefully see you at the next one!

Love and hate sex.

"Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power." Oscar Wilde.

To be honest I could write about sex all day. The thought of sex, the thought of not having sex, the act of sex, the act of not having sex, bad sex, good sex, never having sex, having sex all of the time... Oh, the list goes on. Sex, sex, sex. Even when you say it backwards 'xes' it sounds the same. There is no escaping it.

One thing I want to briefly say on the subject of sex today is, though there are different ways of having sex (and I'm not just speaking of positions), I mean ending up in that situation in the first place. Dating to have sex, lying to have sex, getting into a relationship to have sex, doing nothing but just having sex anyway...

I do want to say there are two distinct types of sex which some people have not focused on or thought of before. One is love-sex and one is hate-sex. I do not mean a 'love-hate' relationship as that is slightly different. This is referring more to the sex itself.

Love-sex is simple. You are in love with someone and they are in love with you or you are falling in love with them... You are in a relationship and the sex or 'making love' is pure, beautiful and oh just lovely.

Hate-sex is not the complete opposite of love-sex though the words 'love'/'hate' might lead you to believe so. What I mean by hate sex is that you hate this person or more likely, you'd love to hate this person; but you just can't. You either hate them so much, or you hate yourself, because you can't get away. Either way you are hating. You hate being sexually attracted to someone, who is either horrible to you or so repulsive, either in looks and/or personality, that you do not want to be in a love-sex relationship with them or you cannot because they do not want you like that. You would never consider them as a friend or someone you can relate to in your everyday life, but in the bedroom, the chemistry is present and you find this ugly, hatred and angry sex quite literally ticks off your buttons and you hate that you love this sex. Maybe you wanted a relationship with this person, but it just could not work, yet you can't help but still love the sex. Maybe the sex is wrong/taboo, so again this is why you hate it, but at the same time, this is what makes it exciting.

This can also be post-break up sex, you now hate this person and everything about them disgusts you, as they have hurt you so much or is the initial reason why you split up, yet the sex is still amazing, if not more amazing. It could be that they lie to you or even that they're in another relationship... Or you just cannot see yourself loving and being in a relationship with that someone, yet there you are, undressing them. One night stands, fuck buddies and so forth come under this category.

Men might disguise feelings to not get into a relationship with the girl, as being a commitment phobe, just enjoying the bachelor lifestyle and/or not being ready yet. But normally they just hate the thought of you being the last woman they sleep with or you're just not the only one they want to sleep with. Maybe you're annoying, not funny, cannot hold a conversation, talk too much, ask too many questions, boring, a psycho, a stupid female, gold digger, a whore, a bitch, there's no-one else available, but hey hoe, you're a vagina and he wants to have sex with you, but just doesn't want to cuddle or want you to stay (unless it's for round two)...

Women might pretend and force loving feelings to exist, but in reality they just want to have sex with you, as there is an attraction, however big or small it may be, but they hate the idea of being with you forever. You being the father of her children and introducing you to her family and friends is embarrassing and laughable. You might be ugly, not have a decent job, think you're funny but you're not, can't dress for shit, short, fat, stupid, her friends detest you, maybe you're a whore, a chav, you treat her like shit. The reasons are endless but hey hoe, she does not want to change her Facebook relationship status to be with you, she just wants your penis to be in her.

If you are reading this and you do not fall into either category I.e you're not in a loving relationship but you do not hate the person you are sleeping with, then you are either a) delusional b) you're one of the reasons above (sorry but hey hoe...) c) unaware of the love perhaps not yet discovered or d) have mediocre feelings and therefore you are somewhere in-between. If you are d) I feel sorry for you. Mediocre feelings normally equals mediocre sex, clearly they are not shaking you to the core and you are just sailing away. Once you stumble across love or hate sex you will leave mediocre sex and settle for that instead. Trust me.

Hate and angry sex does not necessarily mean it is bad sex. Sometimes that wild ugly passion is a huge turn on and makes you do crazy shit. Don't forget, it is sex after all and well that's just great, but hopefully for your benefit, you settle for love sex, because you are guaranteed to have it more often. 

Oh and you might just live happily ever after too.  

Men have radar.

I'm starting to seriously believe in my old age and with the philosophical wisdom that I have acquired over the years (ha). That men have a sixth sense of some sort. A magical power that I think is a bizarre kind of radar. I am only basing this on my own personal life (I can be self-conceited seen as this is my own Blog) and my friends' lives.

Whenever I am single, lonely and longing for attention. My phone is DEAD. Nothing. Not a peep, ping, pitter, patter or phone call. Silence. I do not exist. I am a nobody, in no-man's land (pun intended). You know when you constantly look at your phone or imagine and could bet your life that you heard and/or felt your phone vibrate and check it to see but there is nothing? Yea that. Those typical romantic comedies where the (pathetic) woman checks her answer phone and 'no new messages' is said in such a condescending tone. You become so bored that you play games on your phone, look through old messages, contacts that you'll never actually contact. If you have BBM or WhatsApp you look at photos, statuses and may message people, as you're that bored, but really you're just hoping that special someone contacts you first.

You see your phone flash red (well I do as I have a Blackberry) and get excited that they've messaged you but then you see it's actually an e-mail from some sort of SPAM or a SMS from your Mother, telling you not to forget you're baby-sitting on Friday night, as you have no plans. Or you do actually get someone other than your mum messaging you and though it may be interesting and funny with what they're saying and they are making plans with you on the weekend (so much for baby-sitting) you still have that sunken feeling that it's not him messaging you. How annoying, that two or more people messaging you (even if they are guys), are not equivalent to that one. You may change a status/photo to attract some attention which may or may not work but this is also sad.

Those people that change their status to 'busy' and/or a picture with a black icon like some emo shit. I have never understood and have come close to deleting these people. If you're THAT busy you wouldn't have time to change it to BUSY and you're just being an attention-seeking annoying cunt, with the black photo, so someone can ask you what is wrong but oh yea, you can't reply because you're so FUCKING BUSY. (Random rant I know but I had to vent there sorry).

But here is the radar theory... As soon as you're not single or you're genuinely busy with life your phone does not stop. Phone is flashing red like someone is having a heart attack but you can barely check the phone and you take an age to reply which angers people (excuse them, you have a life now). Ex's or males, who are suddenly interested, are bombarding you with messages and you have absolutely no interest what-so-ever.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN WE WERE SINGLE AND BORED ENOUGH TO SLIT OUR WRISTS?! It is like your nose twitches and you can smell that we're now taken and happy, so you want to pest and bother us. Perhaps it is a want what you can't have, or suddenly we have become desirable, SOD's law some of you may call it, or some guys actually know you're in a relationship and just want to fuck with your head, for their own ego boost, so they can brag 'yea this bitch has a new man but still wants me' (seriously what is wrong with these men?) Whatever it is.. I call it a radar. Ex's are especially good with this radar even if they are unaware of it and it just happens to be timing, chance and coincidence. It's like they don't give a fuck all that time but then their radar goes off and WOAH. The girl is happy without me, let's go fuck up her life, mess it up and see what happens...

I'm not saying girls do not have this radar because we do as well. You boys may not call it this but may suffer from something similar. Perhaps you're not crying to Toni Braxton, whilst praying that your phone flashes red (not that I judge you, if you were), but you may be hanging out with your friends and they may be going on about some 'chick' (or chicks in some cases) and you either a) remain quiet b) lie c) mention the past. For the time being, there are no girls on the scene and you may be unbothered by it but let's not lie, you like and miss the attention and if you were getting some on a regular basis, you're also missing that.

Yet, just like how it happens to us girls, as soon as you get one girl you like who likes you and it could just be the early days of flirtation or even something more serious... Regardless of what it is (I'm not asking you to define it to me- calm down)... As soon as you do receive that attention, all of a sudden, you are bombarded with girls and you don't know what the hell to do with your life. Suddenly your James Bond and you probably think you're a 'playa' (please) but do you guys not find this strange; like how I do? Where were all these girls when there was no-one? It's like something has slightly changed that we're unaware of or maybe because we are receiving that attention, we have that air of confidence/ego boost and are starting to realise these things more or we have suddenly become more appealing. I still have not worked out why or how this radar works... 

Now, if you are already taken and are receiving attention, there's one thing like accepting it as a compliment and ego boost and perhaps a SLIGHT flirtation; nothing more. But there's another thing with getting ahead of yourself and being inappropriate, whilst trying to have your cake and eat it too. Because sooner or later you'll be back to square one. Alone. Checking your phone every five seconds. Crying to Adele. Ordering Take Out every night. Cleaning out your room and organising all of your paper work. Checking your phone again. No red flash. Not even a fucking cake to eat... Or too (whatever that means). Nothing.

Closure.

The term 'closure' has been thrown around after break-ups and in the movies. We all need some form of closure after the relationship ends. Those of you that are not yet ready to discuss why their relationship went wrong, are perhaps not ready to talk about it, as you are not over that person, it is still raw or you have not received closure. 

I am not certain what 'closure' exactly is. It is an indescribable feeling that is instantly recognised, almost like a click or to use the cliché ; the penny drops. A realisation. Once you have felt closure you are filled with bliss and know you are ready to move forward. Perhaps it can be seen as something being taken away, such as the old feelings of love vanishing, rather than closure being added... 

In the past, I have thought I had closure and proudly boasted to my closest friends 'I am over him', when in actual fact I was not. Funnily enough, when the closure has been experienced, I did not feel the need to go bragging to my friends, I just stopped referring to him and his name was never mentioned again. Nor was he taking up the room in my consciousness and that right there is closure. As I am typing this, I am smiling because apart from writing about this, this is the first time in a while, I have acknowledged these males and can fondly remember the good times. 

Though I may make snidey jokes about awful things that happened, I am the type of woman that wishes well on my ex's. I hope they are doing well and prospering. I don't like to hold grudges against people and even though I don't forget, I can forgive. Everything happens for a reason and even though that heartache may have been terrible to endure at the time, eventually, you do get over it and realise it was for the best.

I am not saying all feelings need to disappear, as that is just nonsense, but it's more of a sense of relief. Rather than being upset over certain things, be more happy over the good times and now and again thinking what could have been, as that is only natural but not to the level of obsession...

There are different methods people have tried for closure. People either try writing un-sent letters (do not send this unless positively certain), gorging on food or alcohol (please be careful with this one), sleeping around (please use protection), revenge (nothing illegal please), shopping sprees (wahey) or expressing themselves through a medium of art (hi there). I suppose you could say this Blog post is a form of closure, well not everyone can come up with an Adele album and make millions, so this will suffice for now... Though these may help to some degree it does not solve the core issue.

I think the main aspect involved in closure is forgiveness. Understanding and thinking from their point of view. Trying to figure out why it didn't work and then forgiving them once you do understand. Those I have not understood (perhaps because they were cunts) I have took longer to get over...

Tears, a lot of food, catharsis usually in the form of slow songs and a good old soppy movie does help the closing process but it is definitely not the final stage. It is when you forgive and just get on with it that they slowly become a faded wonderful memory... Do not go searching for closure as it appears when you least expect it. There are times when something will trigger your memory and get you thinking, that does not mean you have not had closure, you're just reminiscing and there is a clear distinction between the two.

Some say finding someone else helps with closure and though I won't deny that it can be significant to help you get over someone, I don't think it's fair to say, it helps with complete closure. You cannot generate those old feelings straight into another new relationship, that's almost unfinished business and unfair. 

A couple of months ago, I strongly felt closure and not to sound like the type of girly girl I strongly detest, but when I felt that feeling it was the most amazing experience. I had an annoyingly huge grin on my face and felt like doing pirouettes and jumping for joy in my ballet shoes. I know I was being a loser at the time but my life for a split second felt like a movie and I'm not kidding, I thought I saw bright lights, a flock of birds and heard Morgan Freeman narrating my life.

I received an honest text unexpectedly from the said male and it just confirmed that it was not me being crazy all along but he was to blame. I felt content knowing that and felt 'released' almost; my mind at rest. I saw him one final time just to be sure and I felt nothing. 

It was incredible.