Chill the fuck out!

The first time I heard the phrase 'chill' was about two and a half years ago, when my friend asked a guy, she thought she was seriously dating, where they stood in their relationship and his answer simply was that they 'chill'. Not only was I surprised (and disgusted) that, that was the only explanation/definition/title he could give them, after what we assumed was serious dating, that step just before the official boyfriend/girlfriend formality. Chill. Just like the many bottles of Blossom Hill, we used to chill in the fridge before a night out, so it is quite literally chilled when we drink it.

Chill.

A simple word that gives me the chills. Who do you think you are? P Diddy chillin' in your crib? Apparently feelings, seeing each other daily, long mid-night talks and sexy time is defined as a chill. So much for chilling out on your day off. The word is now completely ruined for me.

These days there are too many labels for 'relationships' (or whatever). We question where we stand/what we are. Seeing each other? Dating? But what level of dating? Seeing others? Chilling? Casual? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Fucking? Friends with benefits? No strings attached? WHAT ARE WE?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

Now two years on, the word chill is used normally. 'Come to my house and we chill.' What are we? Penguins? I know the Antarctic weather recently has maybe led us to believe we are but last time I checked; I was actually human. You might be thinking chill the fuck out! Take a chill pill. Chill. Chill. Just chill out man. But basically, whatever phrase you wanna give it. Hook up, hang out, watch a film, keep it casual or 'casj' (seriously what is the world coming to?) oh and my ultimate favourite: link up, it basically is just a sugar coat for; come round mine, let's have dirty sex and then you can leave. 

No matter what the time is, morning, afternoon, night, it's all the same shit really. They don't really care about your problems and life but they'll be polite enough to listen (ah how sweet), you can maybe watch a film and have some nibbles, depending on how long you're staying, you can have a laugh, crack some jokes but basically he wants to casually slip it in. You can stay the night if you're lucky, he doesn't mind spooning (actually he's rather fond of it) but you have to sleep naked and not ask too many questions.

But what baffles me is when they say 'I'm just chilling with my friends', what does that mean? Chilling with another penguin or playing Fifa with the boys which I'm assuming does not include spooning... 

The irony is, each time any of these phrases are used, especially 'chill', I vomit inside (truly) and am enraged. It is the total opposite of chilling/relaxing. I don't care how sweet and polite you're asking me or how fit you are, you basically want me to come round and degrade myself for a bit, fuck you and then fuck right off. May as well put sex slave on my CV and be done with it!

Why else is a guy asking you to come to his house and chill? Think about it, if he wants to date you and get to know you, he will do just that; date you. Why does he want to spend time with you at his house when he doesn't even know you properly? How the fuck, does he know you're funny, when he's not even been out with you? It's your vagina he wants to get to know, oh and you might have a pretty face (bonus). I know, some girls are cool (forgive the pun) with this, but I guess this makes me uncool; what can I say?

Ladies if you go round to a guy's to chill but you don't actually put out (well done- give yourself a pat on the back) sometimes you're seen as a tease and a waste of time but don't think it won't happen sooner or later. You're just giving him a challenge and have suddenly become interesting. Now some effort will perhaps be made. Maybe a date (ooer get you, you lucky thang!) But like all good stories, it must come to an end. Once you have sexy time, he's gonna find someone else to chill with and leave you to melt.

Wedding fever!

Feeling broody

I'm ashamed to say that the idea of marriage and kids have become a serious obsession. I don't know if it's old age or the fact everyone around me (as in on my Facebook) are having babies and/or getting engaged/married (depressing times) but it's continuously on my mind.

My friends and I have discussed that we have reached that stage in our lives that we need to start thinking seriously about things. I know we play up on the whole granny thing, but as we are trying to be taken more seriously in our careers, we also want this in our relationships. We still want to have fun etc but I can safely say I am far too old for these mind games men like to play. If I don't see a serious future with you; I am not wasting my time with you. Sorry. I've had enough fun (please refer to my previous posts), I am now old and ideally, *psycho bells* want to be with someone now, that in the next few years, I will eventually marry. I am no way saying I am ready for marriage right now, but realistically, I will want to be with someone for a few years and have fun whilst getting to know each other, then by 25 (i.e. the next three years-dear God!) I would like to be married or engaged and think about kids. I'm broody as hell recently and want to be a cool 'yummy mummy'. Looking after my beautiful baby cousins and having cute kids come into work has not helped matters believe me. My ovaries cry every time and I'm scared they're gonna go dry and soon give up on me (hang in there ladies! There's always hope!)

It doesn't help that women on my Facebook regularly update me with their pregnancy tales, scans, bumps and all sorts. My manager is eight months pregnant and all I can think about right now is babies, babies, babies! Last year, I was quite broody and this is where it started, I would joke to guys about it and they would play along (little did they know I was being totally serious), now however, the obsession has gone insane. I am terrified.

To make matters worse, marriage is a huge deal in my family. It won't matter that I have bagged two degrees, may one day get an amazing job which pays ridiculous amounts, have my own place and a fancy car. If I'm unmarried with no kids, I am a failure and I'll be known as 'poor Leyla Mai, that clever unmarried girl'. Something to look forward to then...
Mother constantly asks me when will she be expecting grand kids (oh okay, I'll just climb on top of myself and provide the sperm as well shall I?!)

Traditional Turkish engagement

Wedding fever is everywhere (or perhaps I'm just noticing it more) but whenever I go to a wedding, I get really involved and emotional; even if I barely know them. My younger Uncle recently embarked on a very important chapter in his life and what I love is that the Turkish tradition was kept. He went to ask for his girlfriend's hand in marriage, my family in tow bearing gifts and adhering to the traditional way, was just lovely.

I'd like to think that marriage exists and isn't a myth. I know I'm normally rather cynical and a lot of people think marriage will just end in divorce, so there's no point, but there is some part of me that would like to think it could. Perhaps too many Disney infused films or something but I think the sanctity of marriage needs to make a come-back. Hearing that someone wants to marry you, sees you in their future and wants to raise a family with you, is probably one of the biggest compliments ever to be received.

I'm not saying I flirt/date a guy and think about marrying him straight away (lies), but if you're not serious about life and messing around, literally, jog on mate. I'm eight years away from thirty and the cat shelter are expecting me with open arms.

Vera Wang

I almost applied for a job that involved bridal wear and then I thought this would not only make me more crazy than I already am but it may give me some sort of bad luck. Always dressing a bride but never being one ('27 Dresses' one of my fave films: always a bridesmaid, never a bride) I keep somehow bringing marriage into conversations even at work. I made a Freudian slip and said a sentence which involved something like 'when I got married' because that made me look sane..

Cliché to say, but my favourite wedding dress designer will always be Vera Wang (liking her Facebook page with constant sketches on my page has not helped matters) though recently Carolina Herrera has caught my eye and well unrealistic as it is, the engagement ring must be Harry Winston. Classic. Nothing trying to be different and snazzy, keep it simple. You cannot go wrong. Never gold. Silver/white gold/platinum and only square or round cut. Pear shaped is a no go. Gold engagement rings should be illegal. I know I have thought way too much into this but I've been flicking through bridal magazines for too many years, and my biggest debate is to wear a veil or not?

Harry Winston's finest

Spring time and the start of the New Year means more marriages are bound to happen! Mother is trying to set me up with random Turkish men and casually mentions arranged marriages (this is not a joke- whereas my life is). Family and friends have suggested they see me marrying my close male friends which has seriously creeped me out. (I suppose, it is a good thing I have a pact to marry one, if we're both unmarried by a certain age...)

There is a Turkish tradition that the Mothers start putting away/buying things for their daughter's future marriage and new home. It's called the 'bottom drawer' (ceyizlik) and things like linens and cutlery are kept. Shock, my Mother has one for me, I just hope I get to use it at some point. However, if I get my own place but I am not married, does that mean I do not get to use the bottom drawer's items? What a waste.

[This waste symbolises the waste of life that 'clever unmarried Leyla Mai' had.]

The 'ex' files.

I know most people would agree with me that opening up the 'ex' files is a sickening, yet important and almost obsessive step, when meeting a new partner. Men say they don't care, but I know, most do. Perhaps not to the psychotic extent that we girls do, but whether we like it or not, the 'ex' files exists and are analysed.

Thinking about it, it should not matter how many partners they've been with? How long ago was their last relationship? How long did it last for? Lastly, the most important (and painful) question- are they still in contact with them? Which only leads on to more questions...

Yes, I am aware that I am giving you the impression that I am a bunny boiler/Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction' [original bunny boiler], but I just have to know these things. These are standard questions that need to be answered at some point as they give an indication of what that person is like and where our future could possibly go...

These are definitely NOT first date questions but if you haven't opened up the ex files on the 4^th date at least or just in 'casual' conversation; you are crazy my friend. Either you don't give a shit and just want a bang, or you are so confident and blasé that... oh wow are you human? Because if you are the latter, I cannot justify that reasoning, as my brain cannot comprehend it.

If someone does want a serious future with you and hasn't discussed your skeletons in the closet yet, then they either know about it already, do not want to know about it as they know you're a schlut but want to see you as pure and wholesome, they merely do not want to have this conversation with you as it means they need to discuss their love life, or you were a nun before and your last relationship was with God. No one can be that confident and laid-back that they are not at least a little intrigued about your past and the ghost of the ex still haunting you. If they want to be with you, get to know and love you they will want to know everything about you.

Sorry, but I have not met one guy who hasn't asked about my past. They may not have gone all Glenn Close on me with the incessant interrogation (they leave that to me) but nevertheless the ex files have been touched. So, if you're a male and reading this and disagree with what I'm saying; you are a new breed I have not had contact with-yet.

One guy still meets up with his ex regularly and are just “friends” (apparently I was born yesterday- happy birthday to me).

Another completely cut his out. Ignored her, deleted her off of any social network (this is what our world has come to) and was angry each time she got into contact. But the more I delved into it *Glenn Close alert*, I realised it was because he still loved her and couldn't be friends with her, so he thought cutting her out would mean she didn't exist, which of course isn't the best way to behave. We all know how that ended. She came back out of the wood work and all those 'hidden' feelings came gushing out and my sources tell me they live happily ever after and actually have a joint account (my guess is she needs it more than he does seen as she is jobless- but that's another matter entirely).

This guy I've been speaking to, told me he's been single for the past three years, as he has had one serious relationship in his life. I 'casually' asked him how long he was with her for... He replied six years. I died. That's pretty much a marriage (wouldn't be surprised if there were kids on the scene). How do I compete with that? He went on to say it's complicated (mate, what relationship isn't?) and they still speak *Glenn Close alert*.

So here I am, wondering which is worse? Cutting the ex out completely or remaining friends with them?

I have a problem with ex girlfriends, especially the ones that lurk, but I have never taken into consideration (until now anyway) that my ex's potential new candidates hate me; the ex girlfriend... (and so they should.) But I also know that ex girlfriends hate the new candidates. It's a very strange cycle that exists.

If they've never had a relationship; we judge them, if they jump from relationship to relationship, we judge them. We ask; what does it mean? How did they break up? Who broke up with whom? If they are still in contact with them: are they fucking too? The ex files can easily evolve into the sex files which means there is always a possibility of them getting back together. After all of this, we then judge them accordingly. Exhausting right? Explains why I'm always so tired...

We need to know these answers to feel secure and know where we stand, but in reality if he wants to be with you and be committed to you, those ex-girlfriend[s] do not matter. You both have pasts, just remember they broke up for a reason and it's in the past. You are the present and could possibly be his future...

Until that day when you eventually become the latest document in his 'ex' files.

Mis-cheated.

There was once a strange phase in my life (more than usual) a few years back and I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it either. It seemed guys who were only in relationships approached me. At one particular point, it was five guys all at at once and it was truly mind boggling. They'd openly talk about their girlfriends; how they intended on marrying them, gifts they'd purchased (one wanted me to go shopping with him to choose a birthday gift in fact) and asked me for relationship advice. I, naturally believed, they saw me as a friend and added them to the 'friends' list. Yet, in the next breath they'd act inappropriately with their advances and to say I was confused; would be an understatement.

I have learnt: if they're in a relationship, you have to always remember it is not with you and you are the other one and they will never ever ever never leave their partner for you. Whether it is in a long-term relationship, marriage or normal relationship. Do not think you are special. Do not make excuses. If they do happen to leave them for you, it is very very very very rare but do you really want to be with them even though you know they're a cheater? Also, why would they leave you when they have already got what they wanted from you and have the history and love with their current partner? You are not special. You are not Angelina Jolie.

You are not the one they see themselves with forever. They do not want to bring you back to their parents. They are ashamed to be in public with you and to introduce you to their friends. I am not saying you are deformed, ugly, fat and boring, you are just not their girlfriend. You have to remember in a long-term relationship there is history and family involved as well, you have nothing to offer them once you have given them sex.

Years later, I soon started to experience my own serious relationships and learnt from my close friends' long-term relationships. I started to feel sickened and guilty about my past actions. I suppose I can say I learnt my lesson and I was young blah blah and I know never to go there again.

The main thing is the disrespect and deceit rather than the adultery itself. I detest liars and those boys would claim to love their girlfriends but how you can love someone and constantly cheat on them? I genuinely do not understand. I know guys who have answers ready and yes I'll admit there is a difference between sex in a relationship and just sex, but if you love someone, why are you looking at others like that? When I'm in a relationship, I flirt and can admit when a guy is hot (I'm committed not blind) but I would not give out my number or think of kissing them, let alone more. When I'm committed to some someone, I am 100% (perhaps why it takes me long to get into relationships to begin with) and I expect them to be the same. I think trust and honesty are the key elements, otherwise there is no respect, but you have to earn trust as in this day and age it is so difficult. Excuses I have heard for cheating were, I may as well have my fun now seen as I'm going to marry her and won't have my chance otherwise, she doesn't give me enough sex, I no longer am in love with them but do love them, I can't break up with them as they have issues and may kill themselves, I fancied you before I got with her (to name but a few)...

I've said to every partner I want trust, if you like someone else or can't commit; tell me. Never cheat (obviously) but if you do, tell me straight away, as the deceit after the act would just piss me off. I'll admit, I have gone psycho in the past, but that is only because I have been the other woman and am close friends with guys, so know what they are capable of.

To the girlfriends, I am sorry, I realise that now. Though technically, I owed you nothing as I didn't know you, I know now I'm in the wrong. Most of those guys have split up with their girlfriends now by the way and have actually tried to date me afterwards. I can't help but laugh (whilst ignore) and do hope the girls have done better.

One thing I can happily say is, I never fell for any of these guys, as I knew I was just messing around with them and they were not trustworthy to fall for (strange how I can differentiate this feeling and do this). This may be the reason why they keep coming back. I don't know. 

But one way to avoid falling for them is, if someone promises you they will leave their partner for you; do not bother holding your breath (you could die). Do what you have to do, I am not one to judge, but for those being the cheatee, don't be deluded as well as stupid, just have fun if you must. Quit whilst you're ahead before you begin to fall for them or just know from the beginning what you're in for and don't ever be fooled. Alternatively, if they try and 'woo' you to confuse you, just sit on their face- that normally shuts them up.

The Art of Compromise.

Last Friday an older couple dressed quite classy and ready for evening drinks or the theatre (blatant stereotyping here) were seated opposite me on the tube. They were a married couple and the female was rattling on about something frivolous and the male was kindly listening...

Friday night that it was, a young twenty-something girl sat directly opposite the married man (next to me) and wore an 'out there' outfit shall we say? Personally, I thought she was very stylish, but legs all out and only covered by a modest pair of thin tights covered in bow patterns, made her the centre of attention.

A few people stared (myself included) but then went about our business. The married man on the other hand throughout my ten minute journey could not take his eyes off of her. I remained quite appalled at the obvious perversion/adultery in sordid thoughts happening right before my eyes and under his wife's nose (and incessant talking). She noticed a few times (who didn't?) but chose to ignore his leering. To be fair; what else could the poor woman do?

He still listened to her tale and laughed politely and commented in the appropriate places which seemed to please her but his eyes were glued to this girl's pins. Fifty-something and still has a wondering eye despite his marriage and possible kids. I'm sure theirs is not a perfect marriage but this was shocking.

I came to two conclusions: 1) men, no matter what age will always remain perverted and well men. 2) perhaps theirs is a successful marriage as they manage to compromise? She is able to gossip whilst he can have a wondering eye. Two annoying (and sexist I'll admit) habits, innately built in our gender's DNA and if either sex moan about it- arguments and possibly break-ups will be caused, so for it to work just keep quiet? She rattles on about unimportant things and he responds appropriately whilst he is a pervert and she 'ignores' and remains oblivious to it.

I cannot stop gossiping but I do not want my man to have a wondering eye (double standards?) I need to perhaps master the art of compromise or just remain single forever. I can't decide which is more sad? At least when I'm a spinster, my cats won't have sordid thoughts whilst perverting, though they will sneak away to the neighbour's garden often.
I need to re-think this...