Processing data.

With the beginning of a new job, which is finally a stepping stone into the right direction in my career and future, I notice time is flying by more and more quickly. This year in general has gone by in a heartbeat and sometimes I find myself taking a break to sit, ponder and have a breather. I'm sure all this rushing around, not eating and sleeping properly is not good for my health and will no doubt result to a full head of grey hairs.

As we are approaching the end of 2012, supposedly the end of the world, I have to ask myself if I am proud of what I have accomplished this year? You can think about the past and ignore everyday things, by shutting yourself away, but time is not your friend, nor is it waiting for you to feel better about yourself. At the end of any relationship, well any good relationship, you hear yourself and others feeding you the same bullshit clichés and I hate myself for becoming one of those people but I can't help but believe them. If I had not been single, dedicated job-hunting would no doubt have been a myth. I would probably have lived at my ex's only applying for a job here and there. And let's be honest, job hunting is a job in itself and is a long process, which you have to be motivated to do. I am rather proud of myself that it only took me two months to find a job perfect for me right now. In short, “everything happens for a reason”. Yawn right? But alas true!

So far, the job involves a lot of information to process, it's not exactly easy but it is enjoyable and with time I know it will become second nature. With time, effort and a lot of work, all the data processed will be worth it and I just hope I continue to be happy and good at what I do.

Processing new data from someone you're getting to know is just as long and requires effort and time. It is so difficult to like, trust and eventually let someone new into your life. Firstly, you might find it hard to like anyone in the first place and whether they are available or not is another story in itself. Then the actual process of finding out about one another is time-consuming but also quite wonderful. Eventually, if you find out you have lots in common and there's a spark (chemistry is very important!) you have to wonder, if you can actually trust someone. I can't help but think if it is all worth it in the end? Letting someone get personal into your life and getting used to having them there, sharing special moments, whether it is for a short or a long period of time. If it ends, you've just manually processed pages and pages of data into your life, eventually finding out months later that it was pointless, that you don't need it and you can now press delete and send to the trash. You may know the time and effort you put in but in the long-run it means nothing and no longer exists.

The question is do you just give up and never open a new file or after a while of huffing and puffing, look back and learn from the mistakes so that the new data entered will remain in the saved files forever?

Soul-mates

I am sat here replying to e-mails, not intending to write a Blog post at all, as I have not been ready to since my break-up (cue violins). I have had so much to say, but didn't want to just rant useless girl garbage, which I would no doubt regret in years to come. However, sometimes the inspiration just pops up from nowhere, like jury duty. Listening to the Fray's 'how to save a life' as it came up on youtube suggestions and I forgot how much I liked this song. “Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend...” lyrics hits home and my stupid brain takes me back to an intense conversation on soul-mates I had with him. Ironically, it was the same night we broke up. I am still trying to figure out where exactly it went wrong, as everyone in my life knew, we were happy and the break-up was so sudden. Though my friends hate him and I have reasons to as well, I can't hate him and don't think I ever will. I am not the type of person to hate my ex's, instead I think of the good times and I wish him well and hope he's happy.

The topic of soul-mates came up, as we both were lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, we spoke about the topic but not in relation to one another. It was as if we were in the two worlds we always said that we were in and just winded up there in a parallel world talking about the philosophical topics of love and time. In reality, we were centimeters apart, though it felt like we really were worlds apart. We both shared a love for each other but we just weren't on the same page and we both came to that realisation at the same time. I really did have that light-bulb switches on moment and though I was in denial for a while, I soon realised that we weren't meant to be together.

Like I had said to him in our conversation, I don't believe in soul mates but there could be someone who is perfect for you. Not because they are the same as you but because they accept your flawsBut wouldn't it be sad if my soul mate lived in another country or in a different life time? What if my Mr. Right is dead already or lived in a different era? He was in silent agreement and I realised that I was speaking in a way, as if I was almost still in search for this fictional Mr. Right, when really if he was 'the one' I would have been saying these words about him directly. Perhaps if we were in a different time or place we would have been soul-mates for each other but in this life-time we just weren't right for each other and I have finally come to accept that; however sad it may be. There were other reasons for our break-up, which I will not delve into, but as I said ironically the topic of 'soul-mates' triggered off many feelings (or un-feelings). I think the biggest loss is losing my friend and everything we once had becoming just a wonderful memory.

Plato wrote that humans originally had four legs and four arms and one head with two faces. Zeus was intimidated by their power and split them in half so humans could spend the rest of their lives to search for their other half to complete them. People say that when they have found their soul-mate they feel complete. But if I don't find my soul-mate does that mean I'm incomplete and half a person?

I still don't know if I believe in the concept of soul-mates and I don't think I will ever know but I do hope that I am lucky enough again to find a mate who touches my soul...

Nobody's perfect.

I want to start off with apologising for being so lame, I have missed updating my Blog and this just goes to show, that I am not perfect, which fits in with today's theme perfectly. Hearing Jessie J's performance of 'nobody's perfect' at Wireless last month really 'touched' me. Gay I know, but it's true. I've always liked that song, but hearing it live and having this Blog post in the back of my mind, just made me realise; it's true. Nobody is bloody perfect, not even me.

With that negative aspect in mind, that nobody is perfect, I think it makes the world perfect in its own way. Now I haven't gone all hippy and Kumbaya My Lord shit on you, but I'm just saying, if everyone was perfect, there would be no challenges, differences and progression in the world. I'm sure when new ideas, inventions and materials were presented to people back in the day (and even now in some cases), people thought they were crazy, especially if experiments went wrong. Learning from our mistakes and with that strive to go on, we (as in the world) have progressed. All these wars, political wrong doings and what not, yea they are stupid and I'm not trying to open up that can of worms, however, everything happens for a reason and we would not be where we are today, if it wasn't for all the crazy shit that has happened in the yesteryears and learning from them. Who would have thought a quill and parchment to a typewriter to my Mac would ever have happened? God knows what they'll be writing on next...

As humans we make wrong choices and decisions, but we learn from our mistakes and it is said that 'whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'. I don't think completely pretending that the wrong-doing never occurred is the best idea; 'Denial isn't just a river in Africa', but accepting it and moving forward is what we must do. This can be a work related decision, if you made a mistake or didn't choose the right path, or during education, maybe you're thousands in debt, in a random course you now have no interest in, perhaps it is in a relationship, whatever it is, everything happens for a reason. I'm trying not to look back and dwell on the past too much, as it is a serious flaw of mine and does not help me with my future, but I am trying to see the positives from the past and learn from them. If I got accepted to my first choice of secondary school, though I would have been delighted at the time, I would never have met my closest friends, who are like my sisters now and for that I am so grateful that things didn't go according to plan...

As some of you may already know, I can be cynical, negative and sarcastic (well I never!) but I am trying to look on the bright side of life, before it affects all those I care about and I become a Grinch of some sort. I'll let you know how that goes but I wouldn't go holding my breath (fail already). It will take time and patience but I'm sure I'll get there in the end (weeey some of that positive energy!) though, on a separate note, whoever said 'patience is a virtue' was a right cunt.

I am not perfect, so why am I looking for perfection?

In friendships and relationships, I have high expectations of people and rarely give them a second chance. Close friends receive second chances as it seems like a waste of years spent building that 'close friends' title. Men never get a second chance with me. I struggle to understand girls who easily forgive men and not their supposed best friends. People might say it's because love is blind etc and therefore I have not been in love, but I do not see that as a viable excuse, I find it so difficult to forget. If he loves you then he should not be doing something to hurt you. I respect myself far too much and immediately protect myself from something like that occurring again, so I don't give them another chance. I am trying to slightly change this harsh attitude before I grow older and more set in my ways. People, men and women, friends, family, partners are not perfect and do make mistakes and do deserve a second chance, to be able to learn and change.

I realise I am not in any way perfect. I think some imperfections make someone perfect in their own special way. I am not a perfect student, daughter, sister, colleague, friend or girlfriend but I try to be, so I ask what gives me the right to want a perfect someone? I may have fantasies on the perfect man (cue Gerard Butler) but I think it comes down to what is perfect for me. Someone less cynical, two cynics cannot possibly make a positive relationship, basic law of Physics that! Believe me I have never been looking for a Mister Perfect (please refer to the males I have gone for in the past). From now on, I am going to put more effort into forgiving and trying to forget, to compromise whilst looking past people's flaws. Giving second chances where deserved and fighting for something I want, who am I to give up so quickly? Surely that's a huge imperfection right there? Trying to be perfect automatically sets up for failure. 

Let's be imperfect together, now that's just perfect!

I fear, I think too much...

My problem in life has always been that I think too much. It is both my strength and weakness. Thinking has got me to where I am today, as it is one of the main reasons why I enjoy being a geek and education so much. Believe it or not, I miss studying and have been considering doing a PhD, perhaps, in the next few years. Thinking has made me successful in so many ways and is the reason why I decided to do a Philosophy Masters. It is one of the reasons why family members, friends and even strangers have said I am good at giving advice. I think about everything from every angle and then come to my own conclusions without trying to be bias. I have always been like this, even in arguments, from a young age, which is why a few people have advised me to consider being a lawyer... I don't know about the law but I do know I love to think.

Cliché and stolen from Descartes but I really do think, therefore, I am. Thinking is what I am. It can be slightly annoying as I over-think things. For example, I would be watching a film with my family and question certain things normally resulting with people telling me to shut up, as I am thinking way to deep into the script, but that may be because I am thinking in terms of a writer-who knows?

Recently, my boyfriend asked me a simple question 'what do you fear?', as it was relevant to a conversation on phobias, but me being me, I blew it way out of proportion and got all deep saying what I fear most in life. He seemed perpetually perplexed at the seriousness of my answer and expected me to say something simple like spiders, like any normal girl would have done, but this is me after all.

In regards to my answer, the thing I fear most is losing myself in anything I do and love. Whether it is in a job or in a relationship, I fear the essence of me will be somehow lost in the madness that is life and I would never want that to happen. Yes, I am still growing and learning about myself, but I am pretty confident in who I am and to lose that and be left with nothing, is the scariest thought of all. In short, I fear myself, as there would be no-one else to blame, but me. People may blame their partners or their manic job or a friend or something, when things go wrong, but deep down it is your own fault for not remaining true to yourself and therefore losing yourself. When you do recover from a downfall, it is because you are back and you have found yourself again. Hence, why that feeling is the greatest feeling ever.

Referring back to thinking... Thinking is also one of my main weaknesses'. Over-analysing has made me lose close friendships and relationships in the past as I should have just gone with the flow and in the words of The Beatles 'let it be'. When I do think however, I am 98.9% right, hence why this is so annoying. 

I am trying to learn how to control my thoughts and just be as I do not want thinking to ruin and make me lose things I love and which make me happy. Last night, I was in and out of sleep thinking troubled thoughts, but it got me nowhere and nothing was achieved, except lack of sleep. It is a learning process I guess, but at the same time, it is me and it will be a contradiction to my biggest fear, as I do not want to lose myself and thinking too much is who I am. I think, (there is no escaping this!) that it is just being able to maintain a certain balance, where I am aware of certain things, but perhaps do not do certain things until absolutely necessary. Or to just not think too much about things as it causes pointless stress and just go with it.

Thinking too much can make you go insane and let's be honest, I've never been sane, so this will only go downhill, if I don't stop from now on...

Vogue's fashion playground.

Vogue like to host events in partnership with The Village in Westifield White City every so often. I've been lucky to attend a few times now and the other night, I found myself there, yet again, with many other happy shoppers, sipping on free champagne and cocktails.

After one-too-many vodka cocktails later, I was busy enjoying the circus themed fashion playground event, which differed from the previous year. Contort and mime artists, magicians, circus performers, fortune tellers and jugglers surrounded and performed for everybody most of the night. There was a circus atmosphere with little touches and wonderful freebies such as the mini-burgers which were absolutely delicious, candy floss, popcorn, ice-cream, carousal horses and balloons.

Each store in The Village participates in the event. You are able to shop (champagne in hand) and some stores even offer great discount offers for the night; Ballantyne, Aquascutum, Furla, Zadig & Voltair, The Kooples, Toywatch (to name but a few) and wonderful prizes.

There was a photobooth in Pal Zileri and a Vogue photoshoot to do with friends to see what you would look like on the cover of Vogue!

The girls and I with Alexandra Burke.

It was a wonderful evening filled with fashion, fun and freebies. What more could a girl as for? It makes that shopping trip much more special and exciting. 

Plus it is always fun to do some celebrity 

spotting. Look out for other Vogue events like these, held at The Village in Westfield, as it is free but exclusive to certain readers.

Hopefully see you at the next one!

Love and hate sex.

"Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power." Oscar Wilde.

To be honest I could write about sex all day. The thought of sex, the thought of not having sex, the act of sex, the act of not having sex, bad sex, good sex, never having sex, having sex all of the time... Oh, the list goes on. Sex, sex, sex. Even when you say it backwards 'xes' it sounds the same. There is no escaping it.

One thing I want to briefly say on the subject of sex today is, though there are different ways of having sex (and I'm not just speaking of positions), I mean ending up in that situation in the first place. Dating to have sex, lying to have sex, getting into a relationship to have sex, doing nothing but just having sex anyway...

I do want to say there are two distinct types of sex which some people have not focused on or thought of before. One is love-sex and one is hate-sex. I do not mean a 'love-hate' relationship as that is slightly different. This is referring more to the sex itself.

Love-sex is simple. You are in love with someone and they are in love with you or you are falling in love with them... You are in a relationship and the sex or 'making love' is pure, beautiful and oh just lovely.

Hate-sex is not the complete opposite of love-sex though the words 'love'/'hate' might lead you to believe so. What I mean by hate sex is that you hate this person or more likely, you'd love to hate this person; but you just can't. You either hate them so much, or you hate yourself, because you can't get away. Either way you are hating. You hate being sexually attracted to someone, who is either horrible to you or so repulsive, either in looks and/or personality, that you do not want to be in a love-sex relationship with them or you cannot because they do not want you like that. You would never consider them as a friend or someone you can relate to in your everyday life, but in the bedroom, the chemistry is present and you find this ugly, hatred and angry sex quite literally ticks off your buttons and you hate that you love this sex. Maybe you wanted a relationship with this person, but it just could not work, yet you can't help but still love the sex. Maybe the sex is wrong/taboo, so again this is why you hate it, but at the same time, this is what makes it exciting.

This can also be post-break up sex, you now hate this person and everything about them disgusts you, as they have hurt you so much or is the initial reason why you split up, yet the sex is still amazing, if not more amazing. It could be that they lie to you or even that they're in another relationship... Or you just cannot see yourself loving and being in a relationship with that someone, yet there you are, undressing them. One night stands, fuck buddies and so forth come under this category.

Men might disguise feelings to not get into a relationship with the girl, as being a commitment phobe, just enjoying the bachelor lifestyle and/or not being ready yet. But normally they just hate the thought of you being the last woman they sleep with or you're just not the only one they want to sleep with. Maybe you're annoying, not funny, cannot hold a conversation, talk too much, ask too many questions, boring, a psycho, a stupid female, gold digger, a whore, a bitch, there's no-one else available, but hey hoe, you're a vagina and he wants to have sex with you, but just doesn't want to cuddle or want you to stay (unless it's for round two)...

Women might pretend and force loving feelings to exist, but in reality they just want to have sex with you, as there is an attraction, however big or small it may be, but they hate the idea of being with you forever. You being the father of her children and introducing you to her family and friends is embarrassing and laughable. You might be ugly, not have a decent job, think you're funny but you're not, can't dress for shit, short, fat, stupid, her friends detest you, maybe you're a whore, a chav, you treat her like shit. The reasons are endless but hey hoe, she does not want to change her Facebook relationship status to be with you, she just wants your penis to be in her.

If you are reading this and you do not fall into either category I.e you're not in a loving relationship but you do not hate the person you are sleeping with, then you are either a) delusional b) you're one of the reasons above (sorry but hey hoe...) c) unaware of the love perhaps not yet discovered or d) have mediocre feelings and therefore you are somewhere in-between. If you are d) I feel sorry for you. Mediocre feelings normally equals mediocre sex, clearly they are not shaking you to the core and you are just sailing away. Once you stumble across love or hate sex you will leave mediocre sex and settle for that instead. Trust me.

Hate and angry sex does not necessarily mean it is bad sex. Sometimes that wild ugly passion is a huge turn on and makes you do crazy shit. Don't forget, it is sex after all and well that's just great, but hopefully for your benefit, you settle for love sex, because you are guaranteed to have it more often. 

Oh and you might just live happily ever after too.  

Men have radar.

I'm starting to seriously believe in my old age and with the philosophical wisdom that I have acquired over the years (ha). That men have a sixth sense of some sort. A magical power that I think is a bizarre kind of radar. I am only basing this on my own personal life (I can be self-conceited seen as this is my own Blog) and my friends' lives.

Whenever I am single, lonely and longing for attention. My phone is DEAD. Nothing. Not a peep, ping, pitter, patter or phone call. Silence. I do not exist. I am a nobody, in no-man's land (pun intended). You know when you constantly look at your phone or imagine and could bet your life that you heard and/or felt your phone vibrate and check it to see but there is nothing? Yea that. Those typical romantic comedies where the (pathetic) woman checks her answer phone and 'no new messages' is said in such a condescending tone. You become so bored that you play games on your phone, look through old messages, contacts that you'll never actually contact. If you have BBM or WhatsApp you look at photos, statuses and may message people, as you're that bored, but really you're just hoping that special someone contacts you first.

You see your phone flash red (well I do as I have a Blackberry) and get excited that they've messaged you but then you see it's actually an e-mail from some sort of SPAM or a SMS from your Mother, telling you not to forget you're baby-sitting on Friday night, as you have no plans. Or you do actually get someone other than your mum messaging you and though it may be interesting and funny with what they're saying and they are making plans with you on the weekend (so much for baby-sitting) you still have that sunken feeling that it's not him messaging you. How annoying, that two or more people messaging you (even if they are guys), are not equivalent to that one. You may change a status/photo to attract some attention which may or may not work but this is also sad.

Those people that change their status to 'busy' and/or a picture with a black icon like some emo shit. I have never understood and have come close to deleting these people. If you're THAT busy you wouldn't have time to change it to BUSY and you're just being an attention-seeking annoying cunt, with the black photo, so someone can ask you what is wrong but oh yea, you can't reply because you're so FUCKING BUSY. (Random rant I know but I had to vent there sorry).

But here is the radar theory... As soon as you're not single or you're genuinely busy with life your phone does not stop. Phone is flashing red like someone is having a heart attack but you can barely check the phone and you take an age to reply which angers people (excuse them, you have a life now). Ex's or males, who are suddenly interested, are bombarding you with messages and you have absolutely no interest what-so-ever.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN WE WERE SINGLE AND BORED ENOUGH TO SLIT OUR WRISTS?! It is like your nose twitches and you can smell that we're now taken and happy, so you want to pest and bother us. Perhaps it is a want what you can't have, or suddenly we have become desirable, SOD's law some of you may call it, or some guys actually know you're in a relationship and just want to fuck with your head, for their own ego boost, so they can brag 'yea this bitch has a new man but still wants me' (seriously what is wrong with these men?) Whatever it is.. I call it a radar. Ex's are especially good with this radar even if they are unaware of it and it just happens to be timing, chance and coincidence. It's like they don't give a fuck all that time but then their radar goes off and WOAH. The girl is happy without me, let's go fuck up her life, mess it up and see what happens...

I'm not saying girls do not have this radar because we do as well. You boys may not call it this but may suffer from something similar. Perhaps you're not crying to Toni Braxton, whilst praying that your phone flashes red (not that I judge you, if you were), but you may be hanging out with your friends and they may be going on about some 'chick' (or chicks in some cases) and you either a) remain quiet b) lie c) mention the past. For the time being, there are no girls on the scene and you may be unbothered by it but let's not lie, you like and miss the attention and if you were getting some on a regular basis, you're also missing that.

Yet, just like how it happens to us girls, as soon as you get one girl you like who likes you and it could just be the early days of flirtation or even something more serious... Regardless of what it is (I'm not asking you to define it to me- calm down)... As soon as you do receive that attention, all of a sudden, you are bombarded with girls and you don't know what the hell to do with your life. Suddenly your James Bond and you probably think you're a 'playa' (please) but do you guys not find this strange; like how I do? Where were all these girls when there was no-one? It's like something has slightly changed that we're unaware of or maybe because we are receiving that attention, we have that air of confidence/ego boost and are starting to realise these things more or we have suddenly become more appealing. I still have not worked out why or how this radar works... 

Now, if you are already taken and are receiving attention, there's one thing like accepting it as a compliment and ego boost and perhaps a SLIGHT flirtation; nothing more. But there's another thing with getting ahead of yourself and being inappropriate, whilst trying to have your cake and eat it too. Because sooner or later you'll be back to square one. Alone. Checking your phone every five seconds. Crying to Adele. Ordering Take Out every night. Cleaning out your room and organising all of your paper work. Checking your phone again. No red flash. Not even a fucking cake to eat... Or too (whatever that means). Nothing.

Closure.

The term 'closure' has been thrown around after break-ups and in the movies. We all need some form of closure after the relationship ends. Those of you that are not yet ready to discuss why their relationship went wrong, are perhaps not ready to talk about it, as you are not over that person, it is still raw or you have not received closure. 

I am not certain what 'closure' exactly is. It is an indescribable feeling that is instantly recognised, almost like a click or to use the cliché ; the penny drops. A realisation. Once you have felt closure you are filled with bliss and know you are ready to move forward. Perhaps it can be seen as something being taken away, such as the old feelings of love vanishing, rather than closure being added... 

In the past, I have thought I had closure and proudly boasted to my closest friends 'I am over him', when in actual fact I was not. Funnily enough, when the closure has been experienced, I did not feel the need to go bragging to my friends, I just stopped referring to him and his name was never mentioned again. Nor was he taking up the room in my consciousness and that right there is closure. As I am typing this, I am smiling because apart from writing about this, this is the first time in a while, I have acknowledged these males and can fondly remember the good times. 

Though I may make snidey jokes about awful things that happened, I am the type of woman that wishes well on my ex's. I hope they are doing well and prospering. I don't like to hold grudges against people and even though I don't forget, I can forgive. Everything happens for a reason and even though that heartache may have been terrible to endure at the time, eventually, you do get over it and realise it was for the best.

I am not saying all feelings need to disappear, as that is just nonsense, but it's more of a sense of relief. Rather than being upset over certain things, be more happy over the good times and now and again thinking what could have been, as that is only natural but not to the level of obsession...

There are different methods people have tried for closure. People either try writing un-sent letters (do not send this unless positively certain), gorging on food or alcohol (please be careful with this one), sleeping around (please use protection), revenge (nothing illegal please), shopping sprees (wahey) or expressing themselves through a medium of art (hi there). I suppose you could say this Blog post is a form of closure, well not everyone can come up with an Adele album and make millions, so this will suffice for now... Though these may help to some degree it does not solve the core issue.

I think the main aspect involved in closure is forgiveness. Understanding and thinking from their point of view. Trying to figure out why it didn't work and then forgiving them once you do understand. Those I have not understood (perhaps because they were cunts) I have took longer to get over...

Tears, a lot of food, catharsis usually in the form of slow songs and a good old soppy movie does help the closing process but it is definitely not the final stage. It is when you forgive and just get on with it that they slowly become a faded wonderful memory... Do not go searching for closure as it appears when you least expect it. There are times when something will trigger your memory and get you thinking, that does not mean you have not had closure, you're just reminiscing and there is a clear distinction between the two.

Some say finding someone else helps with closure and though I won't deny that it can be significant to help you get over someone, I don't think it's fair to say, it helps with complete closure. You cannot generate those old feelings straight into another new relationship, that's almost unfinished business and unfair. 

A couple of months ago, I strongly felt closure and not to sound like the type of girly girl I strongly detest, but when I felt that feeling it was the most amazing experience. I had an annoyingly huge grin on my face and felt like doing pirouettes and jumping for joy in my ballet shoes. I know I was being a loser at the time but my life for a split second felt like a movie and I'm not kidding, I thought I saw bright lights, a flock of birds and heard Morgan Freeman narrating my life.

I received an honest text unexpectedly from the said male and it just confirmed that it was not me being crazy all along but he was to blame. I felt content knowing that and felt 'released' almost; my mind at rest. I saw him one final time just to be sure and I felt nothing. 

It was incredible.

Man the fuck up.

I've been told by guys that, though they may agree with my Blog posts and occasionally relate to it (in regards to women), they have come to the conclusion that I hate men. (Well I never...)

I'd just like to state and confirm that I like men. Love even. I just hate boys, thinking that they are men, but in reality, have not got a clue on what the difference is.

Apart from wondering, if there are any decent men left out there, I have recently come to ask myself; are there actually any MEN left in the world? Of course, there are males existing and big woop you have a long schlong, but that does not make you a MAN (though I'll admit it helps a bit).

It's 2012, and it seems evolution or shall I say the extinction of men, has made it impossible to find the rare breed of MEN that do exist. I have to ask myself: has man become myth? Each woman will have her own definitions on what her ideal man is but a MAN in whatever language or location will always have the same basic core: someone who can man the fuck up.

Someone who speaks up when necessary and does not wait for the girl first, (she should hopefully not be that desperate to initiate that conversation with you). I advised this to my male friend recently, as he did not want to seem too forward, was a little scared and thinking it is 2012 and with women's rights and all, that perhaps women can and should make the first move... After a certain time and when it is right- the man needs to just man up and ask the right questions. How can you call yourself a man when you can't even speak up? AND you want to be MY man? Erm.

Due to it being a Leap Year women are proposing to their boyfriend as it is 'romantic'. No dear. He is not man enough to propose and you are pathetic (he will soon be man enough to file for a divorce though).

A real man is reserved and listens but when he does speak, even if it is but a few words, it is enough to speak a thousand words. Boys, these days, are the gossipers and bitches, more so than women...

In a relationship, I like to kid myself and believe I have all the power and 'wear the trousers', but in reality, a man is the one who should be comfortable enough to let the female think this, but truly holds the power.

In terms of sex, it should be a balance but at the end of the day, you sometimes just need a man to throw you on the bed and take charge.

A real man does not need to be arrogant or aggressive, he is just content with himself and knows what he is doing with his woman. Even if it is not necessarily stated to her, she should know you, as a man, that she should feel comfortable and not need to question whatever you have.

If you're a 'man' and disagree with this, grow some balls and deal with it like a man or alternatively find yourself a MAN.

Boy 

noun

1. a male child, from birth to full growth, especially one less than 18 years of age.

2. a young man who lacks maturity, judgement, etc.

3. Informal . a grown man, especially when referred to familiarly: He liked to play poker with the boys.

4. a son: Sam's oldest boy is helping him in the business.

5. a male who is from or native to a given place.

Man 

noun

1. an adult male person, as distinguished from a boy or a woman.

2. a member of the species Homosapiens or all the members of this species collectively, without regard to sex: prehistoric man.

3. the human individual as representing the species, without reference to sex; the human race; humankind: Man hopes for peace, but prepares for war.

4. a human being; person: to give a man a chance; When the audience smelled the smoke, it was every man for himself.

5. a husband.

Circus Freaks.

Houdini at his best.

My friends and I seem to have a track record of dating quite talented circus freaks, normally specialising in the great vanishing act, becoming invisible and escaping tough shit. Inspired by the great Houdini they have successfully mastered the act (do they go to 'act'-ing classes? I couldn't resist that 'joke'; forgive me.)  

These circus freaks are especially good at baffling us, by being a constant figure in our lives and then all of a sudden vanishing. *POP* No calls, contact, nothing. Where do they go?

I send them to the land of no-man's land and know they'll come back one day, whether it be a week, month or year (they always do)...

But seriously where do you males go?

Apart from suffering from amnesia or dying I do not understand why/where/what/how you do this.

I mean you're obviously SOOOOOO busy with family/work/uni/fish died/got run over/funeral/got deported/police problems/phone broke/lap-top broke/lost numbers/was in hospital/got kidnapped etc etc etc.

Please just stop. You're not the only one who has issues you know. 

'...But I've been really stressed out!!' 

Congratulations and welcome to the real world. 

What really pisses me off is that I try to stay mad at them. Like truly try. I ignore and I rant but somehow it manages to go back to normal by him making me laugh (from Houdini to clown). We then go back to that same routine of him being constantly in my life again (like he had never left) and then *POP* 

Some guys say it's a 'guy thing' to lay low and 'hidden' whilst not communicate with anyone when they have problems. They deal with things on their own, whereas girls like to express themselves, to their friends and/or partner.

9.9 out of 10 times they are lying to you and the problem is that they are seeing another girl and when they come back to you- they are mastering the Houdini act on them. Think about the reasons that they're giving you... If any of them were true (pfft) why would they not share them with you? Why disappear altogether? Are you not important enough to hear the problems and perhaps help? But why do we accept the lies even though we know we'll be tricked again? Maybe, just maybe, we're the circus freaks, who have a role in the show? Playing the part of the Bearded Lady perhaps? Some of you girls seriously do need to wax or thread that facial hair to be fair...

I know, I pulled a bit of a Houdini Act, in regards to my Blog, but I've been oh SOOOO busy and my Mac charger broke and my cat died AND I broke my arm. I'll try not to leave you again for so long,  but I can't promise anything and you'll no doubt forgive me again (if I ever do), like the helpless and pathetic girl that you are.

Alas, the show must go on.

Chill the fuck out!

The first time I heard the phrase 'chill' was about two and a half years ago, when my friend asked a guy, she thought she was seriously dating, where they stood in their relationship and his answer simply was that they 'chill'. Not only was I surprised (and disgusted) that, that was the only explanation/definition/title he could give them, after what we assumed was serious dating, that step just before the official boyfriend/girlfriend formality. Chill. Just like the many bottles of Blossom Hill, we used to chill in the fridge before a night out, so it is quite literally chilled when we drink it.

Chill.

A simple word that gives me the chills. Who do you think you are? P Diddy chillin' in your crib? Apparently feelings, seeing each other daily, long mid-night talks and sexy time is defined as a chill. So much for chilling out on your day off. The word is now completely ruined for me.

These days there are too many labels for 'relationships' (or whatever). We question where we stand/what we are. Seeing each other? Dating? But what level of dating? Seeing others? Chilling? Casual? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Fucking? Friends with benefits? No strings attached? WHAT ARE WE?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

Now two years on, the word chill is used normally. 'Come to my house and we chill.' What are we? Penguins? I know the Antarctic weather recently has maybe led us to believe we are but last time I checked; I was actually human. You might be thinking chill the fuck out! Take a chill pill. Chill. Chill. Just chill out man. But basically, whatever phrase you wanna give it. Hook up, hang out, watch a film, keep it casual or 'casj' (seriously what is the world coming to?) oh and my ultimate favourite: link up, it basically is just a sugar coat for; come round mine, let's have dirty sex and then you can leave. 

No matter what the time is, morning, afternoon, night, it's all the same shit really. They don't really care about your problems and life but they'll be polite enough to listen (ah how sweet), you can maybe watch a film and have some nibbles, depending on how long you're staying, you can have a laugh, crack some jokes but basically he wants to casually slip it in. You can stay the night if you're lucky, he doesn't mind spooning (actually he's rather fond of it) but you have to sleep naked and not ask too many questions.

But what baffles me is when they say 'I'm just chilling with my friends', what does that mean? Chilling with another penguin or playing Fifa with the boys which I'm assuming does not include spooning... 

The irony is, each time any of these phrases are used, especially 'chill', I vomit inside (truly) and am enraged. It is the total opposite of chilling/relaxing. I don't care how sweet and polite you're asking me or how fit you are, you basically want me to come round and degrade myself for a bit, fuck you and then fuck right off. May as well put sex slave on my CV and be done with it!

Why else is a guy asking you to come to his house and chill? Think about it, if he wants to date you and get to know you, he will do just that; date you. Why does he want to spend time with you at his house when he doesn't even know you properly? How the fuck, does he know you're funny, when he's not even been out with you? It's your vagina he wants to get to know, oh and you might have a pretty face (bonus). I know, some girls are cool (forgive the pun) with this, but I guess this makes me uncool; what can I say?

Ladies if you go round to a guy's to chill but you don't actually put out (well done- give yourself a pat on the back) sometimes you're seen as a tease and a waste of time but don't think it won't happen sooner or later. You're just giving him a challenge and have suddenly become interesting. Now some effort will perhaps be made. Maybe a date (ooer get you, you lucky thang!) But like all good stories, it must come to an end. Once you have sexy time, he's gonna find someone else to chill with and leave you to melt.

Wedding fever!

Feeling broody

I'm ashamed to say that the idea of marriage and kids have become a serious obsession. I don't know if it's old age or the fact everyone around me (as in on my Facebook) are having babies and/or getting engaged/married (depressing times) but it's continuously on my mind.

My friends and I have discussed that we have reached that stage in our lives that we need to start thinking seriously about things. I know we play up on the whole granny thing, but as we are trying to be taken more seriously in our careers, we also want this in our relationships. We still want to have fun etc but I can safely say I am far too old for these mind games men like to play. If I don't see a serious future with you; I am not wasting my time with you. Sorry. I've had enough fun (please refer to my previous posts), I am now old and ideally, *psycho bells* want to be with someone now, that in the next few years, I will eventually marry. I am no way saying I am ready for marriage right now, but realistically, I will want to be with someone for a few years and have fun whilst getting to know each other, then by 25 (i.e. the next three years-dear God!) I would like to be married or engaged and think about kids. I'm broody as hell recently and want to be a cool 'yummy mummy'. Looking after my beautiful baby cousins and having cute kids come into work has not helped matters believe me. My ovaries cry every time and I'm scared they're gonna go dry and soon give up on me (hang in there ladies! There's always hope!)

It doesn't help that women on my Facebook regularly update me with their pregnancy tales, scans, bumps and all sorts. My manager is eight months pregnant and all I can think about right now is babies, babies, babies! Last year, I was quite broody and this is where it started, I would joke to guys about it and they would play along (little did they know I was being totally serious), now however, the obsession has gone insane. I am terrified.

To make matters worse, marriage is a huge deal in my family. It won't matter that I have bagged two degrees, may one day get an amazing job which pays ridiculous amounts, have my own place and a fancy car. If I'm unmarried with no kids, I am a failure and I'll be known as 'poor Leyla Mai, that clever unmarried girl'. Something to look forward to then...
Mother constantly asks me when will she be expecting grand kids (oh okay, I'll just climb on top of myself and provide the sperm as well shall I?!)

Traditional Turkish engagement

Wedding fever is everywhere (or perhaps I'm just noticing it more) but whenever I go to a wedding, I get really involved and emotional; even if I barely know them. My younger Uncle recently embarked on a very important chapter in his life and what I love is that the Turkish tradition was kept. He went to ask for his girlfriend's hand in marriage, my family in tow bearing gifts and adhering to the traditional way, was just lovely.

I'd like to think that marriage exists and isn't a myth. I know I'm normally rather cynical and a lot of people think marriage will just end in divorce, so there's no point, but there is some part of me that would like to think it could. Perhaps too many Disney infused films or something but I think the sanctity of marriage needs to make a come-back. Hearing that someone wants to marry you, sees you in their future and wants to raise a family with you, is probably one of the biggest compliments ever to be received.

I'm not saying I flirt/date a guy and think about marrying him straight away (lies), but if you're not serious about life and messing around, literally, jog on mate. I'm eight years away from thirty and the cat shelter are expecting me with open arms.

Vera Wang

I almost applied for a job that involved bridal wear and then I thought this would not only make me more crazy than I already am but it may give me some sort of bad luck. Always dressing a bride but never being one ('27 Dresses' one of my fave films: always a bridesmaid, never a bride) I keep somehow bringing marriage into conversations even at work. I made a Freudian slip and said a sentence which involved something like 'when I got married' because that made me look sane..

Cliché to say, but my favourite wedding dress designer will always be Vera Wang (liking her Facebook page with constant sketches on my page has not helped matters) though recently Carolina Herrera has caught my eye and well unrealistic as it is, the engagement ring must be Harry Winston. Classic. Nothing trying to be different and snazzy, keep it simple. You cannot go wrong. Never gold. Silver/white gold/platinum and only square or round cut. Pear shaped is a no go. Gold engagement rings should be illegal. I know I have thought way too much into this but I've been flicking through bridal magazines for too many years, and my biggest debate is to wear a veil or not?

Harry Winston's finest

Spring time and the start of the New Year means more marriages are bound to happen! Mother is trying to set me up with random Turkish men and casually mentions arranged marriages (this is not a joke- whereas my life is). Family and friends have suggested they see me marrying my close male friends which has seriously creeped me out. (I suppose, it is a good thing I have a pact to marry one, if we're both unmarried by a certain age...)

There is a Turkish tradition that the Mothers start putting away/buying things for their daughter's future marriage and new home. It's called the 'bottom drawer' (ceyizlik) and things like linens and cutlery are kept. Shock, my Mother has one for me, I just hope I get to use it at some point. However, if I get my own place but I am not married, does that mean I do not get to use the bottom drawer's items? What a waste.

[This waste symbolises the waste of life that 'clever unmarried Leyla Mai' had.]